THE CHAPEL SHOW
Episode: S01E03
Date: 25/01/2014

The video begins and we see The Chapel Show logo on the screen. The logo fades out and we see that we’re on a film set in Los Angeles, California. The camera spins around and we see Lexy Chapel holding it and filming herself as she walks around the studio with an incredibly excited look on her face.

“What’s up fuckers?” she asks, with an added excitement to her normal confidence. “I’m Lexy Chapel, and just in case he’s wondering I would actually consider giving Justin Bieber a conjugal visit. What? He’s got that bad-boy edge to him now, and besides he’s actually on my list, so Nate couldn’t even deny me.”

She laughs at herself before spinning around on the spot and filming more of the film studio she’s in. “Ok, so I know what you’re probably wondering. Lexy, what the fuck are you doing in a film studio? I know, right? Well unfortunately no, in the time since my last video I haven’t been discovered and this isn’t the news that I’m quitting professional wrestling once and for all to become the next huge Hollywood movie star. That dream is evidently still a way away, but you never know. It could happen. At least that’s what I tell myself during the dark times,” she says before laughing a little more to herself. “No, the reason that I’m bringing you this latest episode of the Chapel Show – still waiting for that to trend on Twitter by the way. Very disappointed in you guys. I mean c’mon, where’s the love? – is that something magical has happened that I wanted to bring to you all. Nate has been invited down here to pitch his movie idea.”

She stops, spinning the camera back around so it’s pointed at her again and pretending to look shocked. “Say whaaaaaaaat? There ain’t no way that talentless mother fucker is getting his movie made,” she says before stopping and screwing up her face with disappointment. “Oh god, how racist did that sound? Wow, I have no idea where that came from. I was just going for ‘redneck’ or something and that came out really, amazingly racist sounding. That is so not me. I mean the next thing you know I’ll be dressing up in black face and going to school, right? Did you guys see that story? That made me laugh, but in all the wrong ways. Anyway, moving swiftly on, and it’s actually true! Nathan Chapel, my beautiful husband, is here right now to meet with movie executives to pitch his movie idea. I’ve got a theory about how it got this far, but it’s very insulting and I shouldn’t really say it because he’ll be mad at me when he watches the tape. Oh, what the hell, I can make it up to him. So, my theory is that the only reason that they agreed to meet with him today is because of his accent. I mean seriously, have you heard his movie idea? Actually, HAVE you heard his movie idea? You probably haven’t. I don’t think we’ve covered that yet. Oh god and I’m down here filming this beautiful studio while he’s upstairs trying to pitch it? Oh god guys, I’ve clearly made a huge mistake here. Ok, stay tuned, we’re in for some fun...”

The scene changes and we see we’re now inside a building. The walls are all white and on the walls there are large photographs of various movie stars, most of which are in black and white and many of which are far from recent. We continue tracking down a corridor and we hear footsteps on the ground in a fast pace, where clearly the person behind the camera is rushing down the corridor. We reach the end of the corridor and ahead of us is a large glass room in which four men and two women sit at the end of a very large table. At the other end of the table stands Nate Chapel. We can’t hear what he’s saying at this point but he’s waving his arms around and clearly in the middle of motioning for something, although most of the people at the other end of the desk just look confused. The camera spins around again and we see that we’re still in the hands of our hostess.

“Ok, I’m not sure how much we missed, but we’re going to try and sneak inside and take a listen to the pitch. I’ve heard this sooo many times already, and when I’m drunk I seriously think this movie could be the biggest hit of the century just because it is so... um... what’s the nice way of saying ‘completely insane’? Ooh, special! This movie is so very special,” she explains before laughing a little to herself and then quickly changing her expression to a more serious one. “Oh, shh you guys. We have to be quiet if we’re going to go unnoticed. What’s that, you ask? Did I just tell the camera to be quiet? Yeah, I did. They have free drinks downstairs; I may have had a few. Not the point. Let’s go listen...”

She spins the camera back around again and approaches the doors, opening them up and slipping inside. All the people at the end of the desk notice her, but they don’t seem to care too much about her walking in. Nate, however, doesn’t notice the interruption and is clearly still in the midst of a very passionate sounding movie pitch. “And THAT’S when we cut to reveal that he’s not actually dead,” Nate explains, trying to sound dramatic. He’s clearly expecting more of a reaction out of his audience of jaded movie executives and they don’t give him what he wants so he just makes up his own. “Oooh, right? I know. But you see that liquid he fell in to earlier must have some kind of special properties. You know, like that stuff that made those Turtles in to bad-ass ninjas? I forget what that was called. I don’t think we can use the same name, it’s probably copyrighted. At least my wife says it probably is. But whatever, that’s not the point. The point is that he’s not ACTUALLY dead, and he emerges from the pit with new powers. So he goes home, trying to make sense of what’s happened to him, and on the way he sees his favourite cat Bobo LEAP from the tree with a squirrel in his mouth, heroically saving the squirrel from certain death, and THAT’S the point that he realises that he can dedicate his life now to that same level of heroism, and from this moment forward he’s not just any normal man, he’s CATMAN!”

One of the guys at the end of the table just looks at him in disbelief, and behind the camera we hear Lexy struggling not to laugh. “Young man, did you actually just say ‘Catman’?”

“Of course,” Nate replies as though it isn’t the slightest bit weird. “Don’t worry, I looked it up on Wikipedia and I know all about the Batman villain, but it’s ok. Mine is completely different! You see my hero has the proportion strength, skill and agility of a cat, making him the fastest, most agile hero the world has ever seen! And my hero then realises that he can use his powers to stop the evil Von Richman – you know, the really rich guy I told you about earlier who’s been terrorising people?  I think the name really sells how rich he is – and that Von Richman will never realise that it’s him, because who would expect such a mild mannered guy to be the great and powerful CATMAN? And I’ve thought of every aspect to it as well. If you want to turn to page four of the booklet I gave out you can see CATMAN’S mighty costume, and—”

“Its ok son, we’ve heard enough,” another one of the men at the end of the desk tells him.

“No, wait, wait, you’ve not heard the BEST part yet. You see in the end it turns out that Von Richman isn’t even alive, he’s a ghost,” Nate says with incredible dramatic presence in his voice, really trying to sell the shock of it. “You see, he’s a ghost. He’s dead, and he’s been dead the whole time, and that explains everything, including why he couldn’t’ go in to the graveyard. You remember, I told you that was going to be significant.”

“It’s really ok son,” the guy at the end of the desk says again with a nod and a smile. “I think we’ve heard enough now.”

“And... VON RICHMAN IS HIS FATHER,” Nate proclaims. “Ha, you didn’t see THAT coming!”

“Thank you for your time, and on behalf of the studio we’d like to tell you that we really enjoyed this meeting today, and you’ll be hearing from us very soon,” one of the women explains to him as all the executives get up and file out of the room, leaving Nate standing there scratching his chin.

“Hmm, maybe I mentioned the father bit too late. That’s kind of important,” he ponders as Lexy begins giggling and Nate spins around to see her there. “Oh, hey babe! Did you see my pitch?”

“Oh yeah baby, it was great,” Lexy tells him encouragingly. “I think you really wowed them.”

“Nah, I blew it,” Nate says with a shake of his head. “I didn’t sell the whole father angle enough. I really should have stressed that the reason he lives with all those cats is that he never knew his father. I think that would have made the reveal even more dramatic.”

“You did great,” Lexy says, trying hard not to laugh but clearly giggling under her breath.

“You think it’s funny?” Nate asks with a sigh. “I can’t believe this; I worked all day on these pamphlets. I mean ok, I didn’t really work all day on them but it took me all day to get that fucking photocopier to work. I swear to god they need to make the instructions clearer. And that woman at the store wasn’t much help either, talk about a spiteful bitch. It’s like she found it funny that I couldn’t get it to work or something. What a bitch.”

Lexy begins giggling again as Nate shakes his head in disappointment. “I know, she really could have been more helpful,” she says, trying to sound encouraging but from the look on Nate’s face he’s not buying the encouragement. “And you know, this gives you a chance to go away and think about it some more. I think there’s still some character development you could work on. You know, you could maybe introduce a love interest and... Um... maybe downplay the fact that he lives with quite so many cats. I know the cats are important, but does he need to have so many?”

“He’s CATMAN,” Nate says, reacting as though that just makes it obvious. “If he doesn’t have so many cats, what kind of Catman would that make him? I mean Bruce Wayne had a whole underground cavern FULL of bats and nobody ever thought THAT was weird. But sure, a house full of cats and everyone thinks he’s some kind of crazy cat guy, like he’s going to throw cats as weapons or something...”

Lexy begins giggling again. “Oh, you took that bit out?”

Nate nods slowly. “Yeah, I really liked the idea of the Iron Catarang that was a real cat, but you’re right, it’s too much for the first movie. Plus I need to save ideas for the sequel, you know? These days it’s all about the sequels.”

Lexy begins full on laughing behind the camera and Nate just gives her a very disappointed look. “I’m sorry baby,” she says, unable to stop herself from laughing. After a few seconds she manages to compose herself again. “You know I love you, and I’m completely supporting this whole idea. This is your project and I just know one of these days you’re going to get it launched. And I know I’m not a movie expert but I still think maybe a love interest, and, you know, downplay the Iron Catarang that’s actually a real cat...”

She begins laughing again and he just sighs and shakes his head. “If you keep laughing I swear I’m not giving you the producer credit I promised you.”

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry,” Lexy tells him before recomposing herself again. “Let me make it up to you. There’s a bathroom down the hall, and I’m pretty sure it’s got a lock. Want to have sex?”

Nate nods his head. “Yeah, I could really use it right now,” he says as he picks up his pamphlets and heads out the door. “Besides, maybe this is my chance to go a different route. Maybe I’ll go on Kick-starter and see if people will fund the project that way, you know? I mean TELLING them the idea is amazing, but if I could SHOW them the full vision for it that would be something else entirely...”

“It sure would baby,” Lexy says proudly and as he walks out the door she turns the camera around to point at herself. “I know what you’re thinking right now, but don’t think it, ok? I didn’t just marry him for his looks. He’s actually really sweet, and smart as well. This movie thing is just his kryptonite. And ok, a lot of it was his looks. But you’ve got to admit, he’s REALLY hot!”

We fade back in to the Chapel apartment some time later and the camera is sitting on its stand while Lexy is standing in front of it. On the couch behind her we see an old pizza box and she notices it and opens it up, looking at the pizza inside for a moment before shrugging and taking a bite and then throwing the box across the room before looking back at the camera again.

“Ok guys, so clearly our dream of being Hollywood go-getters didn’t work out. It didn’t quite have enough ‘get up and go’, you know? Some might even say it got up and left. But I swear that’s just one of the many, many things we’ve got going on right now,” she explains before smiling at the camera. After a few seconds of smiling the smile begins to fade and she lets out a sigh. “Ok, maybe it’s not. I’m trying to think of something else right now but I’m really struggling. At least we had our debut match though? You guys saw that, right? Please tell me you saw that. Honestly, that was one of the biggest, greatest moments of my entire life. I can’t really say it was my first ever match because I’ve had a few ‘matches’ before back home, although they weren’t in proper arenas really. And there was that thing on December 31st but... yeah, I kinda figured going in to that that it was going to be a lot of money to go to Canada for not a whole lot of reward, but Nate was right it was worth the risk and it was a pretty amazing New Year. But two weeks ago, THAT was really amazing. And some of the guys on Twitter I think were pretty impressed, you know? That’s right boys, a lot more than just a pretty face right here...”

She nods her head encouragingly. Before she can continue though the door opens and Nate comes in with a bunch of papers. He rushes over to the couch and puts them down on the floor before looking around confused. “Aww, where’s the pizza?” he asks with a disappointed expression. “Wait, did I interrupt something?”

“Nah, I was just trying to film something, it wasn’t going great. I wanted to tell people how thrilling it was to debut at Exodus Pro, but I couldn’t find the right words,” she explains before letting out a sigh. “Clearly I’m not the best talker. Oh, and the pizza’s over there. I had a bite; I think it’s passed its use by date.”

“You kidding, those things have use by dates?” he asks with a shake of his head. “Wow, it was fucking huge. I figured it would last longer than this. Seriously, what is with Americans and giant food? Everywhere you go it’s a giant burger or a giant – ooh, remember those giant pancakes? We should do that again.”

“Oh god, those pancakes were so good,” Lexy agrees with a nod of her head. “Oh my god, I would have sex on those pancakes!”

“We could have sex on the pancakes,” Nate says with a nod and smile before looking down at his crotch. “You’ll play along, won’t you fella? Yeah, I think he’s in. Sex on pancake!”

“Oh wow, I am seriously having so many dirty thoughts right now about pancakes,” Lexy mutters before looking at the papers that Nate put down on the floor. “What’s this?”

“Ok, this is part of my new idea,” Nate tells her excitedly. “I was doing the whole Kickstarter thing last night, trying to figure out the plot a bit more, trying to do what you said and try developing the characters, and I wanted to give people a real reason to invest, so I started drawing up all these plans, right? But then I started thinking that what could be better than to put some of the roles in the movie up for grabs. Hell, if someone wants to invest enough money they could even star as the lead. There’s loads of struggling actors out there, and I wouldn’t mind casting one of them as Catman if he meets my requirements. I mean even if the studio picked it up and wanted to recast for someone a little more well known then that could work, although I kind of like the whole outsider thing. Who’s that guy who plays Spider-Man? I was thinking he might work.”

“Tobey Maguire?” Lexy asks with a shake of her head. “No way, I hate that guy. He completely ruined those movies for me.”

“Oh, I was thinking of someone else,” Nate mutters before shaking his head. “Never mind, moving on, and I was thinking more about your love interest idea as well. I think it might have some weight to it after all. I mean, all the best superheroes have a love, right? Tony Stark had Pepper Potts. Superman had Lois Lane. Peter Parker had Mary Jane.”

“Or the blonde girl, I liked her,” Lexy adds enthusiastically.

“Nah, I preferred Mary Jane,” Nate tells her before moving on again. “Anyway, so I was thinking that you could be right about the love thing, so I just need to come up with the perfect angle for it. I already thought of who she could be as well. You remember how I mentioned that Bobo, his favourite cat, had been ill? What if he has to take him to the vets? This is before he gets his powers as well, and before Bobo becomes – well, obviously before that, but that’s not the point – so if he had to take her to the vets then he could meet the girl there.”

“Wait, this is starting to sound like the movie version of Garfield,” Lexy says with a little hesitation.

“It is?” Nate asks with a shrug. “Whatever, nobody even watched that film! But see, here’s the thing. All these girls in the movies, they’ve always got some story to go with them, right? I mean Lois Lane works at the paper with Clark and is totally in love with Superman but doesn’t even notice Clark exists, right? I mean, other than being her partner and stuff. You see the point I’m making. The point is that I thought that rather than doing that whole clichéd thing where the girl doesn’t notice him, what if he doesn’t notice the girl? What if she’s this stunning beauty, but he’s so compelled with love to get Bobo back to health that he doesn’t even notice her at first. I’m not saying he won’t notice her later, but what if that’s how it starts out. I think it could be really different.”

“Maybe,” Lexy agrees, trying to sound encouraging. “But is it really the same impact if he doesn’t notice her? I mean if I were in a movie and I was going to date a superhero, I’d want him to notice me.”

“No, you haven’t heard the best bit yet,” he tells her with a shake of his head. “So, after he gets his powers and he has his first battle with Von Richman then he gets injured, right? And he can’t just go to a doctor because then the world would know who Catman truly is, but he realises where he is and he manages to escape and go to the vets. I thought, you know, how perfect would THAT be? No animal ever wants to go to the vets. I tried to take Captain Wooferson to the vets the other day and the fucker BIT me!”

“That’s probably because you keep calling him Captain Wooferson,” Lexy suggested. “I’d bite you too if you called me that!”

“What do you want me to call him? You already said no to Obi-Wan Barkobi, and you weren’t at all encouraging when I suggested ChewBARKer either,” he says with a sigh. “Anyway, you’re ruining it. I still haven’t told you the really, really BEST bit!”

“It gets better than a cat wanting to go to the vets?” Lexy asks with a smile. “Oh, good, because for a moment there I thought that was the best bit and I was going to tell you baby that—”

“She’s a GHOST,” he says excitedly. “Yeah, that’s right, she’s a ghost!! How blown is your mind right now?”

“–it was,” Lexy finishes with a sigh. “The cat that wanted to go to the vet bit actually was your best idea.”

“Oh c’mon, you don’t like that?” Nate asks in disbelief. “She’s a GHOST hon! That’s huge. That’s like BOOM, completely redefined the superhero movie genre right there. I did briefly consider a few other ideas, like I know Hollywood loves vampires right now so I was thinking she could be a vampire, but then you’ve got the whole bat and cat thing, and I just think that’s an accident waiting to happen. But if she was a ghost, that’s some revolutionary shit. This movie will have so many twists nobody will see it coming!”

“Yeah, absolutely, nobody will see it for sure,” Lexy agrees before face-palming while Nate grabs his notes and scampers off toward the bedroom excitedly, returning to give her an excited kiss before disappearing again and Lexy looks in to the camera in disbelief. “Wait, did I just record that? I did, didn’t I? I just recorded him with his great idea about ghosts? I swear to god I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I mean he’s not normally like this, he’s normally really smart and funny, but I swear to god this movie idea is rotting his brain. And what is with the ghosts?! Why is everyone in this movie turning out to be a freaking ghost? Ok, so I admit if they’re already dead then the studio can’t screw it up and kill them off, well not unless someone calls the Ghost Busters, and honestly that cameo would be amazing and I’d totally pay to see THAT, but seriously? Ghosts? I’m not crazy here, right? Ghosts ARE a bad idea, right? Catman fighting ghosts just... no! No! She can’t be a ghost. She needs to be a pretty girl he has a crush on. I can almost get behind the whole vet thing, but you know what the audience wants to see? They want to see guy get the girl, right? They want to see the guy get her and kiss her, and then they want to see the hot, steamy sex they’re going to have later on. Probably while he’s still in his costume, you know? And maybe he’s just beaten a bad guy, so he’s all sweaty and filled with adrenaline and... Ok, I may be describing a very vivid dream I had now. I’ll stop.”

She nods her head and looks away for a moment, obviously still thinking about the dream before looking back in to the camera again. “But seriously guys, you’re with me on this, right? I just need to get his mind focused on wrestling again, because I swear this movie idea is going to be the death of him,” she says before rolling her eyes again. She pauses for a moment before smirking happily at the camera. “Ooh, I know, I’ll go buy some of those giant pancakes. Maybe the combination of sugar and sex on pancake will snap him out of it? What do you think? Yeah, you’re thinking about sex on pancakes too, aren’t ya? Well if you ask me super nice then... no, I won’t do it with you on a pancake. Oh, speaking of sex though, I know I’ve already seen ONE already but I’m just throwing this out there. If any of you guys want to me compare sizes for you in the future I’m very willing to do that. You know, as a friendly service for you all, to show you my community spirit and give something back to Exodus. I’m generous like that. Anyway, time to go; I’m getting sugary, syrupy sex! Later, fuckers.”

The scene changes to the bedroom of the Chapel’s apartment in Las Vegas and we see the same shot we’ve seen before of the bed and the room as a whole. The bed isn’t made this time though, and it looks like it may recently have been used for more than just sleeping. Lexy pulls the sheets over just as the scene begins before leaping on the bed and smiling at the camera excitedly.

“Ok fuckers,” she says with a grin, “I just want to be real with you for a moment. I mean, not that I’m not normally real with you, but... that’s the expression, right? I don’t know for sure, this girl at work keeps saying it to me and I think it’s caught on. And by work I mean the diner, and by girl I mean... well, girl. You know what they are, right? Sure you do. You may not see one naked very often, but you know what they are. They have these lovely lady bits!”

She pushes her chest out and points at herself before smiling and nodding at the camera. “Ok, let’s move on. And just for the record when I say ‘lovely lady bits’ I don’t mean that I find them particularly lovely. I think this would be the wrong forum to accidentally imply that I’m bi, but I did promise Nate that on the day one of us wins a championship belt that he’ll get to have a three-way with anyone he chooses and me, so who knows what I may find out about myself on THAT day,” she says with a laugh before waving at the camera. “Hi dad. Bet you loved hearing that. Moving on again and I wanted to seriously thank you guys for everything a few weeks ago. It was honestly my dream to get to wrestle in the United States and do to something that my father never accomplished in his whole career, and I really feel like I broke some kind of new ground for my whole family at EXPRO on FX #10. There’s been a lot of support for us since that night, I feel like I know so many of you guys personally now and I’m incredibly thankful for that, and I feel like this was just the beginning for us as well. You seriously have no idea how much it meant to be to compete on that stage and get to do what we did, and I feel like it’s the beginning of something truly magical not just for the Chapel Show but for me as well. I checked out a lot of the old shows lately, and I’ve seen you’ve got some incredible talent at Exodus, some really amazing wrestlers and some even more amazing champions. I want to mix it up with those guys, you know? I want to see what I can do against the very best that Exodus has to offer. And getting just a taste of it a few weeks ago has so given me the itch and now I want even more.”

“And I’m going to be honest about the primary emotion I have when it comes to Battle Without Honor or Humanity. Well, the first emotion is gratitude again, because you guys are paying for our tickets for a trip to freaking JAPAN and that’s pretty awesome,” she says with another huge grin, “but my other overwhelming emotion going in to this is... jealousy. I’m very jealous when I look at the stacked card for this event. There are so many great matches going on, so many just amazing rivalries and amazing competitors who are going to be in action and then there’s me, kinda stuck in the middle of an eight-person tag team match, and I’m not saying that I’m necessarily upset about that but... ok, I’m kind of a little bummed? On one hand it’s a massive opportunity for me to experience a pay per view event and to see one of the biggest nights on the Exodus calendar, and on the other hand I’m kicking things off on the pre-show. So it’s a little disappointing, but here’s the thing about disappointments – I’m used to them. I’m used to wanting something and it just not happening for me the way I would have liked. I’m used to a little disappointment here and there. But I’m going to change that. I’m going to change that because after this match, after everything that goes down for this match, I swear I’m going to find myself moving upward. I’m not totally sure exactly how it’s going to happen yet, but it is going to happen. Soon enough you’re going to hear the name Lexy Chapel and you’re not going to think ‘pre-show’, you’re going to think ‘contender’. I’m not sure contender for what exactly, but you know what? You and I are going to figure that out together.”

“We’re going to go on this ride together. We’re going to climb aboard and we’re going to rock this whole thing together, and we’re going to ride it all the way to the end and we’re going to see where it leads. But first, we’ve got a stop to make together and that’s in Japan and a match with three partners and four opponents. I’m teaming with Shinji Uchikawa – god I really hope I said that right – and Angry Pete, and first of all I freaking LOVE the name ‘Angry Pete’. That name is seriously funny. It just tells you everything you need, doesn’t it? More people should have names like that. Well, maybe not me. I’m afraid mine would be ‘Slutty Lexy’ and... Ok, I’ve earned it, you know? Oh, just FYI, sex on pancakes? INCREDIBLE! But I digress again,” she says with a huge grin. “I love the name and I love the attitude, and I’m really impressed with Uchikawa as well. It’s going to be a real blast teaming with you guys this week, and our opponents are a bit of an interesting bag as well. I’d imagine that for most of you, you’re kinda feeling like I’m feeling. You’re a little disappointed, you’re incredibly jealous and right now you’re looking at your mirrors and you’re making the vow that people always make. ‘Why you little, I’m gonna get you next time Gadget!’ Wait that maybe a combination of two other things. I watch too many cartoons, so sue me. Well, don’t. I don’t have any money. I have some old pizza if you’re interested, but the dog may have eaten most of it. Pizza is bad for dogs, right? I’m kidding! Or am I? Mostly kidding!”

“So, where do I start with the four guys across from me this week? First up there’s Spirit Z. I love that name, but I’m a little disappointed to find that he’s not an actual spirit. I think after Nate trying to make everyone in to a ghost lately when I saw that name I was like ‘shit, no way’ but actually ‘way’ I guess. Very disappointing,” she says with a laugh. “I’m kidding of course. Trying to lighten the mood with a few jokes, you know? I didn’t really expect you to be a ghost. It would have been cool if you were, but you’re not so... yeah. Um... what else can I say? I tried to do some research on you, because that’s what I do. I went looking you up, did a few web searches and... I didn’t really kind much. You know I’m all about killer personalities and tragic stories and that kind of thing. I was kind of hoping to find that the Z meant something, but I’m not so sure it does. I think it’s more that you’re the kind of guy who thinks that it sounds cool. Disappointed again! And then I asked around, trying to find a bit more about you, and I got told that you’re a wrestler! Good start, I’m liking that... what else? Oh, nothing else? Just a wrestler? Can anyone else say BORING? Seriously, boring! But I’ve watched you, and I’ve seen you compete, and I saw you fight Adrien Cochrane and... that’s it, you know? I listened to you talk and I kept thinking ‘what’s a THW?’ I’m sure it meant something to you but... yeah. And then I tried again, and I went and I listened from the start really trying to pick up some interesting things to say about you this time and I was treated to ‘there can only be one winner’ and ‘expect me’, and... wow. Just... wow. There can only be one winner? No fucking way, is that how winning works? Blew my mind right there! And that bit you did where you were all like ‘you’re Rocky and I’m Ivan Drago, and this time Ivan will win’. Really? Just... really? You want to go there? I mean, you could have done so much with that, but you’re Ivan and this time you’ll win? Is that because Rocky is like ninety now? Seriously, I don’t even know what else to say. Shit, it would have been cooler if you WERE a ghost.”

“Ok, who’s next? Parker Wade! Parker Wade!! Parker... oh who am I kidding, there’s no amount of different emphasis I can give you that’ll make me sound excited about you. Sorry, but once again I’m left to ask ‘really’?! God, I mean does he SERIOUSLY talk about himself in the third person? ‘What can Parker do?’ Well, Parker could realise that referring to himself as ‘Parker’ seriously wasn’t even cool ten years ago. I was going to say it was, but then I’m worried you’d think that you were all retro now and that that made you cool and likeable and no. Just no. You’re not cool. If anything, you’re really kind of annoying. And I’m sorry that I’ve got to be the one to break this to you because honestly I do kinda want to like you. You’ve got a cool look, and you’ve got some pretty sweet moves there as well. Ok, not the most original names in the world but hey, who am I to talk about names, right? But then there’s this ranting and raving and Parker this and Parker that and honestly it just makes me feel sad. It makes me feel upset. Here I am wanting to like you and wanting to make some jokes but all I really need to do is turn the camera on you and let you talk, because there isn’t a whole lot I can say that’s funnier than just watching you embarrass yourself. And look, I’m sorry ok. Well, not that sorry but a little sorry. But I already know the kind of rant I’m going to hear from you, and honestly I’m bored of it already. And just think, if you’re making me sad can you even imagine what you’re doing to a guy named ‘Angry Pete’. I mean geez, he’s already angry and then he has to listen to you rant and rave about Parker this and Parker that? Yeah, he’s going to be Hulking Pete soon! He’s going to want to smash you in your face. Like, right in your FACE!”

She laughs and smiles sweetly at the camera. “God, how awesome would that be? Like Angry Pete hears him going on and just goes mental. I seriously love that name. If he turns out to be all mellow I’m going to be SO disappointed,” she says, laughing before trying to refocus her attention. “Ok, who’s next? Daniel Forsythe and Chris Marks. Ooh, Chris Marks! Sorry Daniel, I’m sure you’re super amazing as well – to be honest, if you don’t talk in the third person or claim that you’re a villain from Rocky movies then you’ve totally won me over as the favourite in your team – but I’ve kind of got to talk about this because it reminds me of two weeks ago and the first thing I’ve got to ask, like the FIRST thing I’ve got to ask, is OH EM GEE who awesome did I look? I mean if anyone would know it was you Chris, am I right? You were lying right there – not completely convinced you’re going to remember, but still – and then BOOM and I pinned you and it was fun. So, are you mad? You seem like the kind of guy who might get mad. Like I’m not saying you’re going to flip out or anything but I really think you are the kind of guy who might hold a grudge, who might come looking for revenge in Japan and who might be looking to make a statement to everybody over what happened. I mean it cannot have gone well for you to be beaten by a girl. You’re a criminal! You’re a bad-ass. And you’re two-hundred and sixty pounds, seriously when I hit you I was pretty convinced I may actually just bounce off and you’d get up wondering what even happened. But thankfully you didn’t, and I’ve got a soft spot for you now, so I was thinking about what you could do with yourself if you manage to get pinned by me again this week. Because, you know, you’re a bad-ass and a criminal – ok, an out of shape criminal, but a criminal none the less – so I figured losing to the same girl TWICE might put all your criminal friends on the hunt for you, right?”

“Is that how it works?” she asks, looking at the camera a little puzzled before shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t know. But anyway, I was thinking about different things you could do and I thought to myself you know what? Two hundred and sixty pounds? He’d make a pretty epic Santa Claus! No? Damn, I really thought I had it with the first one. What else was there? I don’t remember, I was all excited for the Santa Claus idea. Oh well,” she says, smirking at the camera again. “Ok guys, before you all flip out and think that this little bitch is talking smack to you and you need to slap her with your pimp hands, let’s be real again. You guys know I’m joking, right? I’m having a little fun. Truth is I’ve had a few to drink as well, so I’m a little merry – which would explain why I got excited about Santa Claus in January. Heh, lucky I’m not doing this whole career advice thing for a living, huh? But you want to know the truth? I have a little fun but the fact is that on Sunday in Japan I may be going out there to have fun, I may be going out there to have a laugh and who knows, I may even try to make a few more jokes, but more than anything else I’m going out there to win. That’s what I’m here for. That’s what I want to be. This match, this DARK match, is not where I want to spend my career. So this Sunday I’m looking to fire myself up the ladder, I’m looking to begin climbing with one hand after the next and I’m not going to stop. If you’re Parker Wade, Chris Marks, Daniel Forsythe or Spirit Z then you’re heading to Japan to come up against a fired up Lexy Chapel, and at Battle Without Honor Or Humanity I want to make it two wins out of two, I want to make the Chapel Show a trending topic all over the globe, and that means that Nate and me have to win. I’ve made some jokes tonight, but in Japan the joking stops.”

She nods sincerely at the camera before smirking again. “So, do you like what you see? Don’t forget to rate the video, subscribe to the channel and for all you crazed Chapel Show fans out there who can’t afford the pay per view – I’m sure there’s ONE of you, right? – then come check out the Chapel Show in action on the pre-show on Sunday. And until then I’ll see you later fuckers. I’ve been Lexy Chapel, and this has been the Chapel Show.”

The Chapel Show logo flashes up on the screen with a reminder to subscribe before the video ends and the replay button appears in the middle of the screen.