Episode: S01E16
Date: 16/08/2014

The video begins and we see the Chapel Show logo on the screen. The logo fades to reveal the inside of the Chapel apartment in Anaheim, California, where we see a large map of the world hanging on the wall. The map isn't a realistic satellite shot but rather a map with a different colour representing all the different countries of the world. The camera stays focused on the map for a moment and we notice the most curious thing about the map - there is a large cross through the United States, England and Japan. In to the scene steps Lexy Chapel with a grin on her face. She's dressed in a pair of hot pink hot pants and a black t-shirt which reads 'Mean People Suck' in large letters, with the wording 'Nice People Swallow' underneath. She smirks at the camera before looking behind her at the map. “What's up fuckers? I'm Lexy Chapel, and I'm on an international mission of extreme importance! My mission, which I chose to accept, was to get laid in every country in the world,” she says before looking behind her at the map and smirking at the camera again. “Ok, we've got a long way to go yet, but, you know, progress! Anyway, welcome to the Chapel Show, and as normal there's only one place to begin - with a thank you message. That message is to Kerry Windsor. Kerry, I know this is the part where most people brag, they let their egos take control and they declare themselves the greatest thing ever, they think they're invincible, they think they're unstoppable... we all know the type. But I'm not going to do that, and instead I'm going to say 'thank you'.”

She laughs for a moment, shaking her head slowly. “I know I don't have a whole lot to thank you for, and I actually have a whole host of reasons to really hate you at the moment if I'm honest. You didn't just fight me at Ascendency, you showed the entire world the Kerry Windsor that we all knew was coming to EXODUS Pro. You showed the world the Kerry Windsor that we all knew was capable of winning the World Championship. You showed the world the Kerry Windsor who will stop at nothing to win. And you really did stop at nothing. You hurt me in ways I've not been hurt before. You beat me around the ring, you drove me down to the mat, you did anything and everything that you could in order to make it next to impossible for me and you should have succeeded. I mean, he should have, right?” she asks, looking in to the camera before shrugging her shoulders. “Kerry Windsor is a former World Champion and you can see why. Everything he does in that ring is professional, everything he does in that ring is clinical, and if they were looking for someone they could be proud to put a championship on then clearly Jon recruited the right guy when he announced your name for the Crucible. At Ascendency you showed the world why you were picked for that match, and you showed the world why you'd be one of the greatest to hold the International title. Honestly Kerry, if it was anyone else but me you were facing then even I would have been on your side. But it wasn't anyone else. It was me. And at Ascendency you weren't the only one with something to prove.”

She pauses for a long moment before looking down at her leg. “At Ascendency you gave me everything you were willing to give Kerry, and I don't know if it was everything you had because honestly I don't know you well enough to make that assumption, but you gave me everything you were willing to give and you hurt me. I think I left that ring in worse shape than you did. I couldn't stand up properly after the match. I hurt my knee. Hell, you hurt every bit of me, not just my knee. And I know what the experts all say in a situation like that. I know that the idea is that you stay down, right? You stay down and you live to fight another day. I know plenty of people who exercise that option. I know plenty of people who think that they should stay down, that there will always be another opportunity, that there will always be a second chance. Hell, I'm the child of a wrestler. I've seen what happens to people as they get older because of this business. I've seen fathers unable to pick up their children. I've seen women unable to run and play with their grandchildren. And I know that they were some of the smart ones, some of the ones who did learn to stay down. So I guess it takes someone pretty stupid to keep getting up when the safer option is to stay down, but then I've never been accused of being that smart,” she says before smirking at the camera again. “I've been accused of a great many things in my life, but being smart isn't one of them. So at Ascendency I didn't do the smart thing. At Ascendency I didn't think about the next day. At Ascendency for me there was no tomorrow.”

She looks very serious as she talks, and then she starts laughing again. She steps out of the picture for a moment and when she returns she's carrying the EXODUS Pro International Championship, which she holds up to the camera. “What kind of person does that to themselves over something like this?” she asks, looking at the title belt as she holds it up. “I mean, just look at it. It's a big of leather and a bit of gold, right? Hell, we all know it's more than that. But take a closer look. How many people talk about the World Championship? How many people talk about how important it is to be World Champion? How many people join companies wanting to be World Champion? They say things like 'if you're not in this business to be World Champion then get out'. And sure, everyone wants to be World Champion, but International Champion? That's second place. That's the runners up prize. Nobody competes for silver, they all want gold. But what you saw at Ascendency was proof that there are people in this business who care about more than the World Championship. What you saw at Ascendency was proof that there are people who care about the respect, the lineage and the dignity of the International Championship. What you saw at Ascendency was a former World Champion putting everything on the line against the current reigning International Champion, and two competitors putting on the performance of the night, the performance of a LIFETIME! So that's what I want to thank you for Kerry. Thank you for giving everything you gave. Thank you for the beating you put on me. And thank you for showing this title respect!”

She smiles, putting the title across her shoulder. “It deserves respect. You all know that, don't you? This title has always deserved respect. Because sure, people might want to be World Champion, the end goal of any competitor might be to count up the number of World title reigns they've had and say the number with pride. But that doesn't mean that along the way you can show disrespect to everyone and everything else, all in the name of the World Championship. How many people fit that description? How many people look down on everything else, turn their noses up at it or tell the world it doesn't matter? Not you. So thank you Kerry. Thank you for the respect, and thank you for the fight. See, I'm a believer that we learn about ourselves through being tested. I don't want easy fights I can always win. I don't want simple challenges to pad my résumé. I don't want it all to be easy, because easy is... well... easy. I wanted a challenge at Ascendency, and oh boy did you deliver,” she says, rubbing her leg again before smiling at the camera. “For what it's worth, for whatever it matters to you, that match was easily one of my favourite matches of all time, and I'll never forget it. I won't forget the beating you gave me Kerry. I won't forget the fight you gave me. And I won't forget how lucky I am. Because that's how I feel right now, I feel lucky. I feel lucky to be standing here with this championship. I feel lucky to have been given every opportunity I have. And with every week that passes I feel luckier and luckier that I signed for EXODUS Pro. Sometimes I think about everything that's happened and I can't help but laugh.”

She laughs, smiling as she does so, clearly thinking back over the memories she's had so far. “I still think about where it all began sometimes. I think about that first match where Nate and I stepped in to the ring together. I think about how thankful we were just to have contracts, just to have any kind of an opportunity to do what we both wanted to do. I think about that night, and then I think about everything that's happened since, and I know it's the wrong time of year and I'm not even American but I just want to give thanks to everyone who made it possible. Sometimes I think this is all a crazy dream that I'm going to wake up from one day. I hope it isn't, I really do, but sometimes I think it is,” she says before beginning to laugh again. “I hope I don't wake up from this whole experience, even if it is a dream. I mean, if it IS a dream then it hurts a little more than I thought a dream ever could, but if it is a dream it's one I never want to wake up from. So thank you. Thank you to everyone who's supported me. Thank you to everyone who made Ascendency possible. Thank you to Kerry Windsor. Thank you to everyone in Tokyo who came to see the show and who cheered me. But the story doesn't end here. There's another chapter to be written just this week. There are so many stories to be told, and having survived Kerry Windsor I know they won't get easier, but this is a story I don't ever want to end. I'll talk about the next chapter in a minute though, but first I want to take an interlude from all the seriousness to ask a question. When did things get so serious?”

She stops and laughs a little. “Ok, I know what you're thinking but I swear, I don't want to show you how I can make a pencil disappear. I've not gone insane and turned in to a wannabe mass murderer, and I'm definitely not about to start painting my face - seriously, Nate complains I take long enough to get ready NOW looking NORMAL, can you imagine how long it must take to put on that whole thing? I actually think he would just leave without me – but I do want to ask that question. Why is everything so serious? Last time the Chapel Show got pretty serious as well. Then again a month ago we were dealing with some pretty serious problems. For those of you who've asked – which is a few nice people in the comments section, the rest of you just wanted me to take my top off or told us that we weren't as funny as normal and you were disappointed. Always so nice to hear such kind words – then here's a quick update on that. I haven't spoken to my dad since the last video you saw. I'm not really sure what I'd say to him though, so maybe that's a good thing. This time around though those of you who wanted less issues with my family, well you've got your wish. See, a few weeks ago after coming back from Japan I was beaten up. Oh boy was I beaten up,” she says, rubbing her leg again. “All I wanted to do upon returning home was relax. They say there's no rest for the wicked though, right? Well I'm about to confirm that. I'll confirm it in a few minutes when I talk about the next chapter in my International title reign, but first I'll confirm it by show you a day in the life of Lexy Chapel, babysitter. Who was I babysitting, and why? As if you can't guess! Enjoy the show guys...”

The Chapel Show

The scene cuts from inside the Chapel apartment to the streets of Anaheim where we see Lexy walking down the street filming herself.  She sighs loudly at the camera and rolls her eyes. “Ok, so, you know that feeling you get where you go to the store, you only mean to go there for a few things but you end up spending way more than you intended, you come home with a ton of stuff you didn't really need, and then after all that you realise you forgot one of the most important things you went there for in the first place?” she asks before laughing and lifting up a brown bag from the grocery store so it's visible to the camera. “Yep, guess how we spent our morning? I swear one of these days we're actually going to be grown up and make a list. The worst part is that I can't even blame this one on Nate because most of the stuff that we got that we didn't really need was actually my idea. What can I say, I see cool food and even though it's terrible for me – and, you know, so much of the business is based on looks and everything – I still want it. Oh well, almost home now, and this time I think I got everything we needed...”

She looks at the camera before laughing hesitantly, proving she's not actually that sure after all. She stops in front of a building, presumably her building, and we hear her searching her purse for something, presumably her keys. Then we hear a voice we don't recognise. “Hey there, you're the girl from upstairs, right?” the voice asks. Lexy turns to find a guy standing behind her with a grin on his face. “Damn, yeah, I thought it was you. I never forget a girl as fine as you.”

“Um... thanks, I think,” she says with a smile. “Don't suppose you've got your key?”

“No problem,” he says, unlocking the door for her and holding it open. “You know, I got something else you might like as well...”

“I bet you have,” she says in a flirty voice, “but I'm married, so...”

“Oh, oh, I see what you did there,” he says with a laugh, “but that weren't actually what I was talking about. Any time you want to though baby you just let me know. You know they say once you've gone Puerto Rican, it gets you thinkin'...”

She laughs politely. “I bet it does,” she says in the same flirty tone as before. “I don't need to be thinking right now though. Like I said, I'm married.”

“Well yo, before you go, you want a special treat?” he asks. He walks over to one of the doors and opens it up; disappearing inside for a moment before returning with a plastic box that he slowly takes the lid off. “You look like you know how to have a good time girl, and I ain't got many left but your fine ass can have one for free. I like to provide a service, you know? A special kind of service...”

He opens the box and we see inside are what looks like brownies. There aren't many left. “Brownies?” Lexy asks for a moment before it dawns on her what he meant. “Oh, a special service? You make, um, special brownies, huh?”

“You know it. Best in the whole neighbourhood! Normally got more left than this but some new guy saw 'em and bought a whole bag,” the guy says, looking happy. “I did him a special deal too.”

“I better not,” she says, obviously considering it. “Last thing I need at the moment is to fail a drug test, you know?”

“No problem girl, you just give ol' Jimmy a holler if you change your mind, yeah?” he says happily.

Lexy begins to walk off when she stops and turns back around. “Err, this new guy who bought them. Could you... describe him?”

“Oh yeah, he had this mad accent. He was like Irish or something...”

“Oh god,” Lexy mutters before running up the stairs. The camera bounces around as she's obviously only holding it loosely as she runs up the stairs, finding her keys in the process and unlocks the door to the apartment. She steps Nathan Chapelinside before filming the room, and Nate sitting on the couch with the television on. “Oh thank god you're here. I just met one of our neighbours and for a horrible moment I thought you might have met him as well.”

“The Mexican guy from downstairs? Yeah, I met him,” Nate says happily. “I think he's a chef or something, he asked if I wanted to try his latest creation. Fucker made me pay for it as well.”

“I'm not surprised he made you pay,” Lexy says with a sigh. “I'm not surprised you'd buy some either. What, you think he'd just give you them for free? He said you've bought a whole bag? How many are in a bag? How many have you got left?”

“Err, yeah...well I figured you'd get mad at me if you found out I bought them,” Nate says with a guilty look. “I know you've been on me about gaining a little weight the last few months, and I figured if you knew I bought brownies I wouldn't hear the last of it, so... err... I ate them. In my defence, you weren't meant to find out. I can't believe that Mexican guy ratted me out, and after he charged me so damn much for them as well.”

“Wait, you ate them ALL?” Lexy asks in disbelief.

“Yeah. What's the big deal? I know, I know, I'm meant to be eating healthy, but in my defence the guy did say they were his special recipe,” Nate says defensibly. “Guy wasn't wrong either. They were DELICIOUS! I think he adds a special ingredient...”

Lexy just stares at him in disbelief. “OF COURSE HE ADDS A SPECIAL INGREDIENT,” she yells at him, just absolutely astonished that he hasn't figured it out. “Oh god, you ate the whole bag? How many were in there? This is going to be bad. We should get you to a hospital!”

“Don't you think you're overreacting just a little?” Nate asks defensively again. “It's brownies babe, it's not like I ate...”

He points at her as he talks, and then suddenly stops, just staring at his own hand. Lexy watches him for a moment before turning the camera back on herself. “Oh, this is going to be bad,” she tells the camera before turning it back on Nate, who's still just staring at his hand. “It's not like you ate what, babes?”

“Yeah, err... yeah... um... it's not like I ate... err...” he says never taking his eyes off his hand the whole time. “Oh wow, did you ever notice how big my hands are? I mean... wow... they're so big!”

Lexy films herself face-palming. “They're pot brownies babes. How did you NOT know that? Seriously, didn't he tell you that they were 'special'?” she asks before letting out a sigh. “Oh who am I kidding, you're special, why did I think you'd think anything else?”

Nate clearly isn't listening. He's only staring at his own hand, moving it slowly like he's amazed by it. “Look, I can see it moving,” he mutters, utterly astonished by it. “And it's so big... wow, does this mean what I think it means?”

“Probably not,” Lexy says in reply. “What do you think it means?”

“Maybe all of me is big...” he says and he begins undoing his jeans.

“No, babes, can you please not...” she begins, but is clearly too late. She points the camera away before it films anything inappropriate. “For god's sake, can't we have one day when you DON'T take off your pants and stare at your dick?”

She's still not filming him, but we can hear their conversation. “It'll get bigger, just watch...”

Lexy lets out a loud sigh. “With the amount of pot you've eaten?” she asks before laughing. “Somehow I doubt it will...”

The Chapel Show

We cut from the ceiling of the Chapel apartment back to clearly some time later. Lexy is sitting on the couch filming herself. In the background we can see Nate sitting in the corner. He seems to be talking to himself. “Well, I have some good news. I managed to convince him to put back on his pants,” Lexy begins before letting out a sigh. “The bad news is that he won't go to the emergency room, and I'm not even sure that I want to take him. You can't have too many hash brownies, right? I mean I've heard all kinds of stories, but they're... I mean, they're safe, right?”

She turns the camera fully toward the corner of the room where we see Nate sitting. At first it looked like he was talking to himself. As she focuses on him though we can see he's not talking to himself, he seems instead to be having a conversation with the dog, Captain Woofers. The dog is just sitting there staring at him, tilting its head from side to side as it listens to him rambling, but Nate seems to be acting like the dog is actually replying. “No, I still say it'll get bigger, but she says I need to keep my pants on,” he complains, pouting. “I know, right? She doesn't make YOU wear pants! What kind of world is this? I DEMAND EQUAL TREATMENT!”

“He's a dog, babes,” Lexy tells her incredibly high husband.

Nate looks offended and shocked. “I can't believe you'd say that, RACIST,” he says, hugging Captain Woofers. “Don't listen to her bro; I won't treat you any different because of the colour of your skin!”

“The colour of his skin?” she asks, shaking her head slowly. She turns the camera back on herself. “Honestly, sometimes I'm not sure which one of them is stupider. Actually no, sometimes I'm worried I know which one of them is stupider, and it's NOT Captain Woofers. Anyway, this whole incident has completely disrupted our plans for today. I'm not sure what I should do now though. Should I look it up on the Internet? What do you even search for? How many websites can there really be with 'I'm worried my husband just ate too many special brownies'.”

She lets out a sigh. In the background we can still hear the conversation between Nate and Captain Woofers. “No, that's not it at all, I think you look amazing, I'm just saying that I wish she wouldn't be so hard on me, that's all,” Nate says before letting out a sigh. “Ok, ok, I agree! You make a good point.”

“He's having a conversation with a dog,” she says before rolling her eyes and turning the camera around to film Nate again. Nate nods his head, clearly agreeing with whatever he thinks the dog is saying to him. Meanwhile Captain Woofers continues to tilt his head back and forth, clearly curious about why his master is acting the way he is. “It's a dog babes. He's not really talking to you. Seriously, sometimes I think things would have been easier if we got a cat.”

“Don't listen to her,” Nate proclaims, putting his hands over Captain Woofer's ears. “She doesn't know what she's saying bro; she doesn't know what she's saying.”

“Ok, ok, geez, I take it back,” Lexy says with a laugh.

“Yeah, I know, but she really didn't mean it. She just talks without thinking sometimes,” Nate tries to explain to Captain Woofers. “Yeah, I know, but she's really cute. I know she's not smart but she is cute, and I'm not saying that I married her for her looks but... well... I didn't marry her for her brains, you know?”

He offers out a hand to the dog like he's expecting a high five. Lexy just sighs again. “Sometimes I don't know why I bother...”

“Don't leave me hanging bro,” Nate tells the dog before staring at him and slowly putting his hand down. “Yeah, ok, I can respect that. Seriously though, you shouldn't judge her just on what she says sometimes. She's a lot deeper than that. She's sensitive, and loving, and she'd do anything for me just like I'd do anything for her.”

Lexy seems to cheer up a little. “Aw, that's more like it.”

“Plus she's a kinky whore in the bedroom. She does this one thing where she gets naked and she puts her legs in the air and she loves when I eat her pu-”

“LA-LA-LA-LA-LA,” Lexy says loudly, covering up the final part of that. “That's enough of that; nobody nears to hear about that!”

“What's that meant to mean?” Nate asks. For a moment Lexy seems to think he's responding to her, but then he suddenly gets up. Captain Woofers jumps up as well. Nate begins stomping toward the bedroom as Captain Woofers jumps around excitedly. Lexy gets up off the couch, obviously worried about what's about to happen. She doesn't make it to the bedroom however before she hears the following. “No, you're wrong, this isn't YOUR territory, this is MY territory.”

The sound of a zipper is heard. Lexy rushes in to the bedroom as we cut out.

The Chapel Show

We cut to the next bit of the video where Lexy is grumbling as she finishes changing the bed sheets. “I can't believe he did that,” she says to the camera before letting out another sigh. “I know he's high, I know he's not really in control of what he's doing right now, but for the love of god did he need to pee on the... oh fuck me!”

The final exclamation comes without explanation for a moment before we see her pick up the camera and turn it around. There we see Nate standing in his boxer shorts with a towel tied around his neck as a makeshift cape and a pair of tighty-whiteys on his head. “Fear not innocent citizen, for your time of peril is at an end,” Nate says proudly. “I have come to rescue you!”

“You could start by not peeing on anything else,” Lexy tells him sternly. “What the hell are you meant to be now anyway?”

“I can see that you're confused. Don't worry miss, for the day will be saved by the greatest superhero of them all,” Nate proclaims, putting his hands on his hips and striking a very 'superhero' like pose, “for I am the protector of the innocent, I am the scourge of evil-doers everywhere and I will protect you, for I AM CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS!”

Lexy bursts out laughing uncontrollably. “Oh fuck, you're WHO?! Say that again. No, wait; let me get a better angle on you, THEN say it again...”

She grabs the camera excitedly. “No time for pictures citizen, I have crime to fight,” Nate proclaims.

“You don't seriously think I'm going to let you go out in public, do you?” Lexy asks in disbelief. “Seriously babes, even if you DIDN'T have your underwear on your head right now I still don't think it's a great time to be interacting with people while you're clearly as high as a kite.”

“But there is crime to be fought,” Nate says with a sad expression.

Lexy just lets out a long sigh. “Babes, think about this for a second,” she says softly. “I know you've eaten way too many brownies, I know you're clearly not yourself, but just think about this for a second. What super powers does Captain Underpants even have?”

Nate looks confused. “I...” he begins, looking around. “I... can fly!”

She tries not to burst out laughing again. “You can fly?” she asks, just staring at him. “Ok, you know what? I'll let you do anything you want if you fly right now.”

Nate stands there for a moment, concentrating. He then begins to look concerned. “It's not working,” he mutters. “Something must be wrong with my super powers. An evil-doer must be behind this.”

“Babes, it's not working because you can't fly,” Lexy explains calmly. “Seriously, let's get you sat down and I'll make you a cup of tea. Captain Underpants likes tea, right?”

“I...” he begins again before putting out his chest defiantly. “No. Captain Underpants will not be stopped from his sacred mission. I don't know what kind of crazed urine soaked brothel I've woken up in, but this shall not be the place that Captain Underpants falls!”

Lexy tries not to laugh again. “For once we're on the same page. I think it's better for everyone if underpants stay up...”

“Yes, up... up, up and away,” Nate proclaims, beginning to walk toward the door. Lexy grabs him to stop him and Nate pushes her hand off. “Don't lay your hands on me, wench!”

“Nate, I can't let you leave right now,” Lexy tells him lovingly.

Nate puffs out his chest again. “You cannot stop me.”

“Don't make me hurt you,” she warns him.

Nate shakes his head slowly. “Captain Underpants will not fight a woman,” he proclaims before catching Lexy off guard and knocking her to the ground. “But he will slap a bitch.”

He charges out of the room. Lexy gets back to her feet. She grabs the camera and walks out in to the living room where we suddenly see Nate rushing past her and running straight at the window. He runs in to it at full speed before bouncing off and grabbing his head, rolling around the floor in pain. “Oh lord...”

“What magic is this?” Nate asks, holding his head in pain. “One of my enemies has used a force field to stop me...”

“It’s a window babes,” Lexy says with a sigh.

The Chapel Show

We cut from there to a shot of Nate wearing handcuffs and handcuffed to a radiator. He's no longer got the underwear on his head but he's clearly not happy. He pulls on the handcuffs and Lexy lets out a sigh and sits down again, looking over at him for a moment as she films herself. “What is with you and windows babes?” she asks before rolling her eyes. “You’d think falling out of one of them in a lifetime would be enough, wouldn’t you? But no, you try and run out of one to prove you can fly. Honestly, sometimes I can’t help but think it’s a good thing you’re pretty...”

She laughs to herself. She’s clearly joking. Nate isn’t even listening though and we see in the background he’s pulling on the handcuffs, trying to get free, and mumbling something under his breath. Lexy gets up and we see her grab something. It looks like a spray bottle. She then sprays Nate with it.

“No babes, don’t do that,” she says, spraying him again. It looks like she’s just spraying him with water. In fact it looks like she’s spraying him with water in the same way that you’d spray a dog with water to teach it not to climb on the couch. We see Captain Woofers in the background while Lexy is holding the spray bottle. He’s looking a little concerned. She kneels down and encourages him to come over to her. “Don’t worry Captain Woofers; this isn’t for you this time. I know you’re all confused but daddy is a complete maniac when he’s high and mommy needs to keep him from doing something stupid to hurt himself.”

Nate tries pulling on the handcuffs again, then suddenly stops and begins just staring at the radiator. “Oh man, this isn’t right; I shouldn’t be here right now...”

“Nate?” Lexy asks lovingly. “Babes, where do you think you are? Nate, can you hear me?”

“Lexy?” he asks, looking around confused. “No, shh, don’t say my name. Don’t say my name, ok? Because they’re listening! They’re monitoring our conversations...”

Lexy looks at her husband with both confusion and quite a lot of concern and moves a little closer to him, trying to help him. “Who are, babes?”

“They are,” Nate insists, looking around suspiciously. He then begins to look at Lexy with fear. “Are you one of them?”

“No, I’m not one of anything,” she tells him calmly. “Do you even know where you are right now? Do you even know who you are right now? Seriously, I want to help you babes but... maybe I should just take you to a hospital. We’ve got medical insurance, if this isn’t what it’s for then what is?”

“No,” Nate pleads, seemingly afraid. “You can’t take me there, they’ll find out my secrets...”

“Your secrets?” she asks, looking as though she thinks she’s going to regret asking. “What secrets?”

“I can’t tell you, they’re secrets,” Nate tells her, shaking his head. “But you can’t take me to them. If you take me to them then they’ll make me talk, and I won’t talk. I can’t talk!”

She begins to look curious. “So, you know something so secret that you think people are trying to steal that secret?” she asks, looking into at the camera and rolling her eyes before looking back at Nate again. “What secret do you know? You can trust me.”

“No, I can’t trust anyone,” he says, shaking his head. “If people found out, his family could be at risk.”

“Who’s family?” Lexy asks in confusion.

“Shit, no, I’ve said too much,” Nate states, putting both hands over his mouth desperately. He mumbles something.

Lexy looks at him confused. “It’s ok,” she says softly. “It’s ok, I’ve... um... turned on the encoder devices. Nobody can hear our conversation, it’s completely secure.”

“The encoder devices?” Nate asks with a worried look before looking around and nodding his head. “Yeah, yeah, I think I can feel the secureness, now you mention it. Ok, well, are you sure that you won’t say anything, because what I know could put lives at risk and plunge America in to a new dark age. If people found out the truth it would result in the death of thousands...”

“I’m sure, you can trust me,” Lexy tells him, clearly wanting to know what it is now.

Nate leans forward, ushering Lexy to come a little closer. “The secret is...” he begins before looking around and then whispering just loudly enough for the camera to hear, “...Ben Affleck is actually Batman!”

He darts back, like even he’s shocked by the news, and Lexy rolls her eyes and lets out a sigh. “Dammit, I was hoping it would be something good,” she tells him, getting up and going to sit down again. “Besides, you know I’m more of a Marvel girl myself...”

“But, what I’ve just told you could destroy him if it fell in to the wrong hands,” Nate says. He starts pulling on his handcuff again, trying to get free, and Lexy leans over and sprays him with the water again. He sits there with a pout on his face before looking up at her. “I need to pee.”

“Hold it,” she says sternly.

“But... I need to pee,” he says, squirming about on the floor. She rolls her eyes again and lets out another long sigh.

“Oh for god’s sake, like you’re not enough like a child when you’re not drugged,” she bemoans. “Besides, after the amount you peed on the bed earlier I’m shocked there’s anything left. Fine, if I let you out of the handcuffs can I trust that you’re not going to try and jump out the window again?”

He nods his head. “Yes.”

“If you do I’ll... call them and tell them where you are,” she says, trying to think of a threat.

“You wouldn’t,” Nate says with a worried expression. “Ok, ok, I won’t go out the window...”

“I know I’m going to regret this, I’m just not sure why,” she mutters as she reaches over for the key and then walks over to Nate. She unlocks his handcuff and he gets up and quickly scampers off. She walks over to the camera and picks it up again before letting out a sigh and beginning to film herself again. “Seriously, does anyone else ever have to deal with this? I swear stuff this stupid doesn’t happen to anyone but us...”

“Ahhh, oh yeah,” we hear Nate yelling from the bathroom and Lexy lets out a sigh again. “Oh yeah, that’s SO refreshing... wait... wait... NO!! NO, IT CAN’T BE!!”

“Oh god, now what,” Lexy asks. She puts the camera down and we see her walking off presumably in the direction of the bathroom. Seconds later we hear her screaming and we see Nate running out of the bathroom dripping wet with his hands covered in something brown...

We cut from that image to an image of Lexy with wet hair and in different clothes, as though she’s just finished getting dressed from a shower. Behind her, lying on the dog’s bed but handcuffed to the radiator again, is Nate. She looks at the camera and shakes her head. “Don’t even ask about the bathroom, I don’t want to talk about it,” she mutters angrily, looking over at Nate and shaking her head. His loud snoring can be heard. “Seriously, there’s nothing in my vows about having to deal with today. Ugh, I’m too angry to even talk about it right now. Just... if you never hear from Nate again, I’m not saying it’s DEFINITELY because I killed him, I’m just throwing it out there as a possibility...”

The Chapel Show

We return to the Chapel apartment and Lexy in her pink hot pants and ‘Mean People Suck’ t-shirt. She has the International title in her hands and she looks up at the camera with a smirk on her face. “So, yeah, why so serious?” she asks, rolling her eyes. “You’ll be happy to hear that he eventually recovered. Apparently he just needed to sleep it off. It was a... interesting experience though, and one that I’m not planning on having a repeat performance of any time soon. I also had to replace our bed because, well... would you sleep in that bed after that?” she asks before laughing and shaking her head. “Anyway, that was the first and last time I’m ever planning on babysitting Nate. I swear I actually used to be a babysitter when I was a teenager and I’ve never known a kid to be as annoying as Nate is when he’s sober, let alone when he’s high. But while the crazy, pot-fuelled antics of my husband may be good for making us all laugh, EXPRO on FX #20 was no laughing matter. It’s the first show that I haven’t been at since I debuted in EXODUS Pro and honestly I feel terrible about it. I tried my absolute best Lexy Chapelto make it to the show as well, I really did. Like I said before, Kerry Windsor hurt me at Ascendency and... Well, he hurt me enough that after the show the medics wanted me to get medical attention, and amongst other injuries was one to my leg. I tried my best to get it rehabbed in time to go in to EXPRO on FX #20 and defend the International Championship, but on the morning of the show the medical staff and Jonathan Collins had a meeting and they sent me home again.”

She looks down at the championship and lets out a long sigh. “See, to me that’s not what being a champion is all about. I wanted to fight. I mean, upon reflection I’m glad that they wouldn’t let me because if I had gotten in to that ring it’s not like I’m getting in there with some easy opponent – not that any opponent is easy in EXODUS Pro, but you get what I’m trying to say I hope – but instead I’d have been getting in there with Johnny Cannon, arguably the most accomplished wrestler on the roster and a man who knows how to hurt people when they’re at one hundred percent, let alone when they can barely put any weight on their leg. He’d have picked me apart and beaten me in less than ninety seconds. I know that, but at the time I was genuinely angry at the fact that the medical staff wouldn’t let me compete. I was less angry at the rumours that started up. Those probably should have been expected. I’m not quite sure HOW I would get injured during sex, but I’m sure if there is a way to put me on the shelf with a sex-based injury then sooner or later Nate is going to find the way to do it,” she says, letting out a laugh. Her expression gets more serious though as she recomposes herself. “But avoiding matches through injury, missing shows, not being able to compete – these aren’t the things that I want associated with my reign as International Champion, a reign I know could very well come to an end this week. So that’s why this week I’m getting in that ring no matter what the doctors tell me, because this week I promise all of you that Lexy Chapel versus Johnny Cannon IS happening, even if it means the end of my reign as International Champion.”

She looks down at the title again and lets out a long sigh. “I know it shouldn’t come as any shock to anyone that I’m hurt though. Why would it? I’m just a little girl playing in a world of men, some of whom have been doing this longer than I’ve been able to tie my own shoelaces. It shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone that Lexy Chapel, five foot four inches tall and one hundred and fourteen pounds, got hurt competing in the big leagues. It shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone, especially considering how many people have told me that I’m not ready for the big leagues since I started here. But while it doesn’t come as a shock, it does come as a frustration,” she admits before looking down at the title again. “I know I’m not invincible, ok? Nobody in this business is invincible. How many people in EXODUS Pro alone have we seen take extended breaks to nurse the injuries they’ve suffered competing in the matches they’ve competed in? Really I should be thanking my lucky stars that this is the first serious injury I’ve had. I got put through a table and left for dead in the ring and all I picked up from that was a few cuts, a few bruises and a few knocks. Yet now I’ve gone through one of the most gruelling matches of my life with Kerry Windsor and I’m left vulnerable, I’m left hurt, I’m left broken and I wish that it wasn’t the case. But it is. I’m not invincible. Even back when I had the blonde hair I wasn’t Supergirl, and it didn’t take Kryptonite to take me down. In fact this week all it may take is a few good shots from a man who’s made his career outlasting everybody else.”

“This week you could witness the end of the reign of Lexy Chapel as International Champion and the beginning of the third reign of Johnny Cannon, a man who’s been so quick to tell you all his accomplishments and a man who has so proudly proclaimed himself the next International Champion, and maybe he’s right. Who am I to argue with ‘Mr EXODUS’? Who am I to argue with a man like Johnny Cannon, a former EXODUS Pro World Heavyweight Champion, a former EXODUS Pro Tag Team Champion, a man who’s done so many things that I’ll probably never come close to doing. Who am I to argue with a man like that, a man who has all the answers? Who am I to argue with him, because I’m just Lexy Chapel and he’s the Greatest Man Who’s Ever Lived, right?” she asks, letting out a long sigh before shaking her head. She continues looking down at her title belt and looks outright depressed before we realise that she’s actually not depressed at all but is smiling. She looks up at the camera again with a smile on her face, continuing to shake her head. “Honestly Johnny, that’s the way you want me to be right now, isn’t it? You want me full of doubt. You want me to telling myself that there’s no possible way I can beat you. Well, you might be right. Maybe there isn’t a way I can beat you. Maybe you are the Greatest Man Who’s Ever Lived, maybe all the nicknames you give yourself will prove true on Monday night... or maybe all your bragging and all your words will be for nothing, because maybe the girl you’ve said knows how to rise the occasion is going to rise to the occasion again. And what an occasion to rise to as well...”

She takes the International title and puts it across her shoulder before tilting her head at the camera curiously. “Now I know that you probably feel you answered this already, I know you probably don’t think there’s anything more to say on the subject, but I have a question that I’ve been itching to ask for four weeks now and I’m going to ask it anyway. Why Johnny? Why did you do what you did at Ascendency? Why did you kick Abby Park? Why did you cost your team the match? Why did you turn your back on everyone and everything? I know the answers you’ve given, but they’re not enough for me. I don’t want this bullshit you’re spewing, I want more than that, I want the truth! I think I’m entitled to the truth as well, not because I’m a wrestler, not because I’m a peer – although you probably consider yourself peerless these days, don’t you? – and not as a champion, but as what I am above all those things, as a fan. Because that’s what I am! That’s what I am at my very core. I’m a fan. I’m a ‘mark’. Do you want to know why people cheer me, Johnny? It’s not because I pander to them but because they know that I’m one of them! That’s why they responded to me, that’s why they cheer me, and that’s why I’m the one asking the question right now, and the question is... why?” she asks, shaking her head again, this time in disappointment. “It’s not because you’re your own man. It’s not because she was holding you back. It’s not because you deserve everything you’ve earned – you’ve gotten everything you’ve earned, you want more? EARN it. That’s kind of the point. No, it’s not any of those things. It’s not because you’re above Abby Park. It’s because you’re jealous.”

She laughs again, nodding her head slowly. “Oh yeah, that’s the reason and we know it. You’ve got this lawyer guy following you around now, introducing you, doing some talking for you, because you want us to think that it’s because you’re above us all and you don’t need to bother yourself with dealing with the little people but that’s not it at all. I know it. I’ve seen it. You think that you’re original right now, Johnny? No, you’re not. You’re not original. You’re not different. You’re not blazing a trail right now, you’re following the same damn trail that thousands have walked before you and you’re stepping in the exact same footsteps they stepped in when they walked the trail. The world wanted to know why you did what you did and you’ve offered a whole bunch of different possibilities but now I’m going to tell them all the truth – you turned on Abby Park because you’re a small little boy who’s more concerned with measuring his own dick than with proving that he is all the things he claims to be, and you’ve just recently come to the realisation when you looked around the locker room that that five inch thing you’re packing in your pants doesn’t quite measure up to some of the others, and you’re jealous,” she says, beginning to smile again, that same smile she had when she first looked up to the camera. “Now that’s a feel I don’t think I can ever have, so I’ve got to ask how it feels. How does it feel to take part in a dick measuring contest only to find that you’ve been packing a worm while others are hiding a snake? It makes you angry, doesn’t it? It makes you jealous of all of them...”

She starts laughing again. “I guess we should be thanking Christum Furor for this. Now, I know Christum is the kind of guy who’ll take credit for just about anything – if he could he’d claim to be the reason that the sky is blue and the sun always rises in the East, because his ego Johnny is even bigger than yours is right now – but in this case this is actually something he IS responsible for, because he’s the one who stepped up to Johnny Cannon, he’s the one who whipped out his trouser snake on the night he walked away with the EXODUS Pro World Heavyweight Championship, and ever since that night Johnny Cannon hasn’t been the same guy,” she says, letting out another laugh. “So, what’s the plan now? Instead of going out to that ring and doing what brought you to this stage in your career, instead of going out to that ring and PROVING yourself in the middle of the ring each and every week, instead of going out to the ring and EARNING your rematch with Christum, EARNING your way back to the top, EARNING everything that was once yours and FIGHTING your way back to it, instead of PROVING THAT YOU ARE ONE OF THE GREATEST EVER IN THIS BUSINESS you’re going to... stand around and tell us that you are, and just hope we all believe it? You’re going to stand around DEMANDING that we give you respect, and expect that people just obey? Or is it that you’re so far gone now, that you’re so wrapped up in your own bullshit, that you don’t even CARE about respect anymore? Is that what it is Johnny? Are you so far gone that you think it should be yours as a right?”

She shakes her head. “No, it shouldn’t,” she states firmly. She pauses for a moment, like she’s struggling with something. “You know what happened the last time you and I faced off? You remember that, don’t you? The last time you and I faced off I spoke a lot about your career. The last time you and I faced off I lamented on everything you’ve ever done, on the movies I remember seeing you in, on the matches of yours I watched on the edge of my seat, willing you on. The last time we faced off I talked about you not as a competitor, not as a wrestler, not as a rival but as a FAN, because that’s what I was Johnny. I was a fan. I was a fan of Mr EXODUS. I was a fan of Johnny Cannon. And when you kicked Abby Park in the head at Ascendency and you turned on her and you turned your back on the fans you didn’t just turn your back on them, you turned your back on ME! I watched in disbelief at what I was seeing. I watched as a man I idolised, a man I could have talked for hours about, a man that I genuinely believed would once again raise the World Heavyweight Championship over his head before long, turned his back on everything that I thought he was, stabbed his partner in the back and stabbed the fans in the back and I felt that knife in my back as well. I thought you were different, Johnny. I thought you were an icon. I thought you were one of the best there had ever been. I thought you were Mr fucking EXODUS, but you’re not. You’re Johnny Cannon, jealous little bitch!”

She pauses for a long moment again, and we can see how emotional she is from the look in her eyes. “And now I have to fight you. Now I have to defend my title against you. Now I have to fight another former World Champion, now I have to put everything on the line against a guy who’s done everything, and I get to go in to this match knowing that it’s not about respect, it’s not about proving yourself, it’s not about you fighting for what’s right, it’s about you fighting for your own selfish ego. It’s about Johnny Cannon trying to get hold of a piece of gold to justify his ego. It’s about Johnny Cannon trying to pad his résumé some more. It’s about Johnny Cannon, the British Mamba. And I walk in to fight you not at one hundred percent, I walk in to fight you carrying an injury, I walk in to fight you knowing that you can take from me the International Championship that I worked SO damn hard for... and that it’ll mean nothing to you,” she says in disgust. “It won’t, will it? It won’t mean a damn thing to you. It’ll be another thing you brag about. It’ll be another reason you give that you’re better than anyone. But it won’t mean a fucking thing more than that. Because you don’t care about the legacy of the championship, not anymore! You don’t care about what being International Champion means. You don’t care about what the International Championship represents. You care about Johnny Cannon’s legacy with the International title. You care about what Johnny Cannon means. You care about what Johnny Cannon represents. That’s you. That’s your motivation. That’s everything you’re thinking about. And now I have to go in to the ring with you knowing how easily you can take this from me and you want to know something Johnny... it sickens me.”

“Do you know how hard people work for opportunities like the one you’ve got this week?” she asks. “You know there’s this guy I kind of know – our families have a history, I met him a few times when we were both young... anyway, this guy I know is a great wrestler. He’s a noble guy. His surname is actually Cannon as well, weirdly. And he was one of the fastest rising stars in GDW history and a former Television Champion, but since then he’s proven himself time after time, he’s fought for everything the right way, he’s proven himself in the ring and do you know what he has to show for it? Absolutely nothing! He’s busted his ass time after time, he’s fought some of the toughest fights, and he doesn’t have a championship to show for it, he doesn’t have a thousand opportunities ahead of him, but he still does everything he does anyway because he knows what’s right. And then there’s you. You’ve got everything you could ever have wanted. You’ve got a legacy unlike anyone else. And you’ve got a shot at the International title now, and for what? For stabbing your partner in the back? For bragging about how untouchable you are? For standing in front of the world and proving to them that you were wearing a mask for months, that you took us all in, that you suckered us all in to caring about you only to prove that under the mask was a jackass? People like Chris Cannon, people who bust their asses, deserve opportunities like this one. People who sacrifice everything deserve opportunities like this one. People who commit to proving themselves deserve opportunities like this one. But you, Johnny? You don’t.”

 “Do you even care that that’s the way I feel?” she asks, shaking her head slowly. “Do you even care that you’ve betrayed people? Do you even care about the pain you’ve caused? No, you don’t. You’re probably laughing right now, thinking that if my friend was ‘smart’ he’d be more like you and he’d rake in the chances, right? Well the world doesn’t need more people like you, Johnny. The world has enough of people like you. The world has MORE than enough of people who lie, who deceive and who brag unendingly about their own brilliance. And yet you think you’re the Greatest Man That’s Ever Lived? You’re not even in the same LEAGUE as those men. You’re not even in the same LEAGUE as men like Jonathan Collins, men like Chris Cannon, men who’ll sacrifice everything for the greater good, not attack friends like COWARDS for their own benefit. And now this week I have no choice but to wait for the British Mamba to strike and to take my title, right? Wrong. See, I’m hurt and I’m DAMN sure not invincible, but I don’t need to be invincible this week. I’ve got all I need going in to this match, and it’s not the fact that I consider myself better than anyone because I don’t. This week what I have, what I’m going to use to take the head off the Mamba before it strikes, is heart. Because Johnny, THAT’S what I have that you don’t. You can talk about all the title reigns, all the accomplishments, all the times you’ve carried EXODUS on your back – which you talk about like you were the only damn person on the roster at the time – but all it proves is that you’re a self-centred egotist, and this week I’m going to remind you what it means to have HEART!”

“Two weeks ago I missed my first show, and it’s the last show I ever intend on missing,” she says proudly. “Two weeks ago I was sidelined with injury for the first time in my career, but this week injury or not I’m going to fight back, I’m going to fight YOU Johnny and I’m going to give everything I have in the defence of the International Championship because it’s the RIGHT thing to do! People like you, people who turn their backs on everything they stand for, people who look down their noses at everyone else, people who talk shit about everyone else, they don’t deserve the kinds of chance that you’ve got this week Johnny, and this week on EXPRO on FX #21 I’m going to give it everything I have to beat you. I might not have enough. I might not be as quick as I need to be. I might not be as strong as I need to be. I’m damn sure not as experienced as you are. And I know that maybe you’re going to beat me, maybe you’re going to end my reign, maybe this is the last stand for Lexy Chapel’s International title reign, but if it is then Johnny I’m going down swinging. I’m not going out with a whimper; I’m going out with a bang. On Monday night I’m going to give everything I have, and when you put me on that mat – and I know you will – I’m going to dig down even deeper and I’m going to find even more strength and I’m going to keep coming. If you want this title off my shoulder Johnny then it won’t be because you’re the Greatest Man That Ever Lived, it’ll be because you’ve EARNED it in our match and if I beat you, if I retain this title, if somehow I escape my return to Las Vegas with the International title it will be because I put EVERYTHING on the line and I gave EVERYTHING I had.”

She nods her head. “I’m going to need to do that, I know that. I’m going to need to give everything I have and more besides to even match you, let alone beat you. And I’m willing to do that Johnny. I’m willing to sacrifice everything, including my health. I’ve done it before. I’m willing to do it again. Because once again this week I’m fighting for something so much bigger than myself! This week I’m fighting for everything that’s right about this title, this week I’m fighting for everything that’s right about this business, this week I’m fighting for the fans you’ve betrayed, this week I’m fighting for the people you’ve stabbed in the back, this week I’m fighting to keep the International title out of the hands of a man who’ll use it as nothing more than a prop to further his own agenda. And maybe I won’t succeed. Maybe I’ll fail. Maybe you’ll hurt me even more than I’m already hurt. But dammit Johnny, I may not be invincible but this week when thousands of fans rise up to boo you out of the building I’m going to show you that I don’t need invincibility, all I need is those people behind me. You turned your back on everything you were. This week EXODUS rises up to put you back where you belong,” she says before letting out a long sigh. “Well, this could be it for my title reign folks. This could be the last time you see me with the International title. I hope that’s not the case, but this could be it. If it is, I’ve loved representing every one of you. And if this is the last time that I’m standing here as International Champion then you know what might help cheer me up? If you click subscribe! Ok, horrible marketing plug, but, you know, it’s got to be done. Leave a comment, check out our Twitters, like the video, subscribe, I hope you liked the show and I hope you’ll be supporting me this Monday night in my fight against the selfishness of Johnny Cannon. As always, I’ve been Lexy Chapel and this has been another episode of the Chapel Show. Until next time, fuckers!”

She salutes the camera before taking the International Championship and kissing it proudly, then hugging it like she’s not yet ready to let it go. The Chapel Show logo flashes up on the screen and the video fades out, and after a few seconds the video ends and the replay button flashes up on the screen.

The Chapel Show

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