Episode: S01E17
Date: 30/08/2014

The video begins and we see the Chapel Show logo flash up on the screen. The logo fades away and we see that, as normal, we’re in the apartment in Anaheim, California, that’s shared by Nate and Lexy Chapel. Against the wall directly facing the camera are various sheets of paper that seem to have been stuck up on the wall, the main one of which reads ‘STRIP FOOTBALL OFFICIAL RULEBOOK’. Lexy steps in to the shot, looks behind her, takes a look and shrugs her shoulders before laughing. She’s dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a pink t-shirt that reads ‘Nothing Says ‘I Love You’ Like My Complete Disregard For That Restraining Order’. She smiles at the camera happily. “What’s up fuckers? I’m Lexy Chapel and I’m trying out to be a poet. Want to hear my latest piece? ‘Twinkle, twinkle little star, let’s have sexy inside my car’,” she says with a smile and a wink. Out of nowhere Nate rushes in to the scene and grabs her up and she starts laughing hysterically.

“Sounds like a plan to me,” he says and she has to fight to get him to put her down.

“I didn’t say now,” she says jokingly. Nate pouts at her and walks off again as she continues laughing and then clears her throat and tries to refocus. “Oh god, that totally threw me off my game. Um, where was I? Oh, right! Welcome to the Chapel Show, and I want to begin with my most popular word of the last month. You want to hear it? It’s simply ‘ow’, because last week once again I was in a battle. Hell, I’ll go one step further. Last week I was in a war. Last week I went to war with none other than a former World, International and Tag Team Champion, Johnny Cannon, and just as I knew he would Johnny kicked my butt. Some of the moves he hit me with, seriously, I swear to god I have never been hit that hard in my entire life! Just as I knew he would be, Johnny Cannon proved he’s one of the best in the world two weeks ago on EXPRO on FX #21, and despite what I think about him personally, he’ll always have my respect professionally as one of the greats. That said, last week I set something of a record, didn’t I? Last week I broke my own record. And, if you’ve not watched the show yet – seriously, it was two weeks ago, you MUST have watched it by now but if you haven’t then spoiler alert – last week I became the first person to retain the International Championship three times, to officially make ‘the curse’ something of the past, and yet I paid for it with an asskicking to rival all asskickings. And I know a thing or two about asskickings because I faced Jerry Matthews and Kerry Windsor and between them they’ve kicked my ass all over two countries!”

She laughs and rubs her shoulder, pouting at the camera and making big eyes and then laughing. “What, you guys don’t want to give me sympathy? Oh, well fuck you, I see how it is,” she says, pretending to storm off. She disappears off camera for a moment and when she returns she’s carrying with her the International Championship which she quickly lifts and places over her shoulder and then kisses happily. “So, Ascendency? Asskicking. EXPRO on FX #20... would have been an asskicking if I’d been allowed to compete after the previous asskicking. EXPRO on FX #21? Asskicking. And so did the powers that be decide to give me some time off? Did they decide that I’d had my little English butt beaten enough? Did they think that with Long Way Down only two weeks away they’d give me time to rest, to recuperate, to recover and to plan for whomever is going to be getting the next crack at this championship – you know, assuming that I’m defending the title on pay per view, which I probably am because I think Jonathan Collins secretly likes it when I groan in pain. I know Nate does, don’t you babes? No, I’ve not gotten the week off, I’ve not gotten time to recover, I’ve not been given time to have a wonderful, relaxing holiday – err, vacation – whatever, stupid American words – and in fact I’m being thrown in to the ring with another damn near impossible challenge in the form of a man I have a tremendous amount of respect for... but I’ll get to that a little later. I wouldn’t want to spoil you guys by giving things away too soon, would I? Or would I?”

She winks at the camera before rolling her eyes and laughing again. “Ok, that one was bad even for me,” she mutters before shaking her head again. “No, what I want to talk about first is something that means a huge amount to me actually. You see last week you guys may or may not know that I was picked to do an interview after my match, I said a few things to Tom Matheny, and that got me thinking about a whole bunch of stuff. Last week though there were also rankings released, rankings for the mid-August show, and for the first time in the history of the rankings guess who was number one? That’s right, little ol’ me. And so I wanted to say a few words about that. It’s not really like an acceptance speech since, you know, it’s not like there’s an award for me to get all emotional over – although just for the record I DO give a great emotional, teary-eyed acceptance speech in which I thank my parents, my husband, my dog, the neighbour’s cat and Louis Vuitton, who acts as a constant source of inspiration to me for all his hard work, his incredible commitment and the fact that I’ll never be able to afford to wear the stuff he sells,” she says, beginning to tear up already before beginning to laugh. “Ok, I’ll get serious. And guys I am completely serious when I say thank you. I’ve not been doing this long, as you guys all know, and there is still so much that I want to do in this business, in this company, just in life in general, but to be able to say that I’m the International Champion who’s broken the curse, and to say that I was ranked number one in the rankings for doing it, means more to me than I can put in to words, so thank you.”

She does a little curtsy before looking at herself like even she thought that was weird and then shrugging it off. “And now let’s talk about the future. Let’s talk about what there is to behold in the future. Let’s talk about the International Championship, let’s talk about dreams, let’s talk about ambitions, let’s talk about being all that we can be, and let’s talk about the challenges that still lay ahead, because getting interviewed by Tom, the questions he asked me, it gave me a sense of being at the end of something. I was talking about my title reign, I was talking about how far I’d come, I was talking about everything I’d done and I got to thinking that that’s kind of how it felt. It felt like I was talking about the end. It felt like I was reminiscing on everything that I’ve done so far. But I’m not. I mean, maybe Long Way Down will be the end for me, it’s completely possible. Maybe after all I’ve gone through, all I’ve given, all I’ve accomplished, my next time out will be my last with this title, but I don’t intend for it to be,” she says, shaking her head proudly. “I broke a record, but you know what? I want to break more. I want to set more. I want to be the girl who holds this championship forever – ok, I know that’s not actually possible, I know that sooner or later someone is going to come along who’s just plain better than me and I won’t be able to rise to the occasion, and I know I’ve gotten lucky to be able to rise to the occasion as often as I have because, well, I’m not exactly the biggest dog in the fight, am I? But I want to be the one who does that. Because this title means everything to me! What does it mean to you?”

She slips the title off her shoulder and holds it up to the camera before smiling at it again. “What does it mean to you?” she asks, looking at the belt and smiling. “That’s the question I pose not just to the next challenger but to every single person on this roster. What does it mean to you? Would you sacrifice for this title? Would you let this title consume your life? Would you let this title become the only thing in your world that matters to you professionally? Would you dedicate yourself to being the best champion you can be, for the sake of your own ego and because those fans in those arenas demand it? I would. I have. Do I want to be World Champion one day? Who doesn’t? Do I want to be San Diego Bay Champion one day? Of course! I have unfinished business with that title actually, after earning a shot and then ending up in a match with Jerry for this instead. Do I want to be Tag Team Champion one day? Damn straight! But as big as my ambitions are, as much as I may have dreams for the future, I would give them all up to keep hold of THIS title and ladies and gentlemen, that’s the truth. That’s what I hope I proved last week. That’s what I hope I showed against Johnny Cannon. I hope I showed you all that I’ve got heart, I hope I showed you all that I’ve got a love for this title and this company and this business, and I hope I showed you my serious side, because after winning, after retaining this title, I’ll be honest... I wanted to let my silly side out, and I wanted to celebrate. We all know my husband has a silly side, but you know what? So do I! And on that note, enjoy the show, and I’ll talk to you soon...”

The Chapel Show

We cut from the Chapel apartment back to the Chapel apartment again, although as we fade in it’s clearly a different day, and the camera it’s mounted on the tripod that Lexy was using to film the introduction but rather seems to be carried by our very own human tripod, Nate. “Ok, so I know that as part of our attempts to entertain you with the whacky, crazy adventures of two wrestlers looking to make a name for themselves – well, right now one wrestler and one useless house-husband who fell out of a window... can you still be a house-husband if you like in an apartment? Apartment-husband, maybe? Hmm, I may have to look this up. Actually, you know what; leave a comment if you know the answer Internet peeps because that will just bug me otherwise. Now, as I was going to say, I know as part of our attempts to entertain you with our whacky, crazy adventures you’re used to seeing some SHOCKING things but this week I warn you that what you’re going to see is TRULY shocking. So, if you’re of a nervous disposition, you’ve got a heart Nathan Chapelcondition or if you just don’t want the image of your heroine shattered forever then this is the point that you press that little x in the corner of your screen and you stop watching, ok?” he says before waiting a moment. “Ok, have all the nervous ninnies left? Good. Now, prepare yourself for the most shocking thing you’re likely to see this week...”

He opens the door from the bedroom and out in to the lounge where we see the floor is covered in action figures, all of which are from the same television show: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Nate spans over the action figures for a long moment before panning over where we see Lexy sitting on the floor crossed legged with a huge grin on her face. “POWER RANGERS,” she screams excitedly, shaking happily as she does so. “Seriously, how awesome is this? Power Rangers!”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Nate says, turning the camera around on himself for a moment. “You saw the room covered in toys and you thought ‘oh Nate, what are you up to this time’, didn’t you? But nope, it’s not me. These are actually HER toys!”

“Damn right they’re my toys,” Lexy says with a huge grin as Nate turns the camera back on her again. “Why shouldn’t I have these toys? These are CLASSIC Power Rangers toys. It’s like being a kid again. Look, look, these ones even have the button on the back that spins their heads around and IT’S KIMBERLY! Yeah, that’s right, PINK RANGER POWER! Oh man, I loved this show when I was younger and she was my hero.”

Nate laughs from behind the camera. “Your hero, huh?”

“Oh hell yeah, I almost dyed my hair to be like her. I wanted to actually but my mum wouldn’t let me,” she says before laughing a little. “But at school we used to play Power Rangers and I’d always be her. Seriously, she was my absolute hero. I wanted to do everything she could do, and when she left the show I seriously cried for a week.”

“A week?” Nate asks, laughing again.

“Seriously, a week,” Lexy replies, nodding her head. “I mean seriously, she was the greatest character in the history of characters and then they ended up replacing her with Kat Hillard? Ugh, what WERE they thinking? Not only was I heartbroken then but I was even more heartbroken when she broke up with Tommy. I mean god, what was that?”

“I... don’t even remember that,” Nate mutters.

“You don’t remember? She sent him a Dear John letter and he turned around and started dating Kat?”

“She did?” Nate asked, confused. “Damn. Ah well, I was never that much of a Power Rangers fan.”

“I LOVED this show,” Lexy says excitedly. “After the second movie though it all went downhill, and any show that replaces the entire cast every couple of seasons is like ugh, you know? It’s hard to keep loving a show when they replace the entire cast. But the original three seasons I was like the BIGGEST Power Rangers fan. I even wanted to be a gymnast pretty much just because Kimberly was a gymnast.”

“Ooh, pink leotards,” Nate says with a grin. “You know we could probably find you one if you ever want to practice, you know, in her honour and everything.”

“In her honour?” Lexy replies before laughing. “She’s not dead, you know.”

“No, just her career is,” Nate replies before laughing to himself. Lexy grabs an empty box and throws it at him and we hear him groan as it clearly hit him. “Ow, that’s not nice. C’mon, it’s not my fault that you’ve got the weirdest idol in history.”

“Says the guy who’s listed Tony Stark amongst his idols,” Lexy says with a disappointed look.

“Hey, who WOULDN’T want to be like Tony?” Nate asks. “C’mon, the guy is a genius scientist who can create suits that help him fly and save the world. That right there is an idol. Kimberly was a gymnast who quit being a superhero to become a gymnast. Who does that?”

She gives him the angriest look we’ve probably ever seen out of the young Brit. Even Nate seems taken aback by it. “She was my hero,” Lexy says coldly. “You don’t mock my childhood hero’s. Well, you don’t if you ever want to get laid again!”

“I do like sex,” Nate admits sheepishly.

“Then say you’re sorry,” Lexy says in the same cold, angry tone.

“I’m sorry,” Nate mutters. Lexy then smiles at him happily. Nate continues filming her as she begins humming the Power Rangers theme and setting up her figures, enjoying herself way too much. Nate continues filming her and then begins zooming in as she picks up a head-changing White Ranger figure and a head-changing Pink Ranger figure and begins moving them around. “You’re totally doing the voices in your head right now, aren’t you?”

“If you weren’t filming I’d be doing them out loud,” she says, looking a little ashamed of herself. She looks up at him a little curiously. “You’d never leave me for some blonde Australian home wrecker, right? Especially not one who used to be evil!”

“I’ll be your Tommy if you promise to be my Kimberly,” he says. The grin on her face is notable.

She begins laughing happily and gets up, grabbing the camera off him and putting it down before kissing him happily. “Do you think one day people will make videos of us with like romantic music and stuff?” she asks sheepishly. “Like, do you think one day if I type in Nate and Lexy there will be videos of us like there are of Tommy and Kimberly?”

“There already are videos of us, well mostly you, on YouTube that are fan made,” Nate says before beginning to laugh. “You... probably won’t consider them romantic though!”

She looks worried and Nate just laughs and kisses her again.

The Chapel Show

We cut from the lounge area to the bedroom area where once again Nate is behind the camera and filming the ridiculous number of Power Rangers action figures that now line the bedroom. He lets out a laugh as he runs the camera along the line of toys. “You know what’s most annoying about this?” he asks before letting out a sigh and leaning down, pulling a box from under the bed. The box is full of Spider-Man and X-Men action figures. “She took down all of MY figures to put hers up...”

“Are you still complaining about the figures?” Lexy asks, laughing as she walks out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her. “Aw, poor baby, what can I do to make you feel better?”

“Drop the towel,” he says without hesitation. Lexy reaches up and teases it and then shakes her head, laughing again. “Ooh, you little tease. No wonder there are videos of you...”

“Oh, that reminds me, I’ve watched these videos and listen up Chapel Show fans, because there’s something I want to say to you all,” she says, stepping forward and looking very serious as she looks in to the camera and then grinning happily. “You guys are AWESOME! I swear I’ve never been so happy to look like a dirty, promiscuous whore than I am when I watch those videos. Good job!”

Nate laughs. “Wait, you actually LIKED them?” he asks in disbelief. “I didn’t tell you before because I was certain that you’d flip out and hate them. Didn’t you used to say that it was your nightmare to be thought of as a random British slut?”

“I’m not random... they put my name...” she says jokingly.”Ok, I’m not going to say that it’s the proudest moment of my life or anything, but seriously watching some of those videos DID boost my self-esteem like you’d never believe, and it’s always nice to know that there are people who want to ‘do you so hard’, an actual quote from one of our adorable fans.”

“He’s not the only one who wants to do you so hard,” Nate says lustfully.

“Aw babes, you know just the right thing to say,” she says jokingly. “But anyway, I know you’ve been upset over all the time I’ve been spending with the action figures, and feeling like I’ve starting playing with them instead of playing with you... err... that came out wrong.”

“No, that came out perfectly.” Nate tells her happily. “You know I have moveable parts as well, right? Want to see them move?”

“Moveable parts, huh?” she asks with raised eyebrows before grinning. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

“You can show me yours right now if you just drop the towel,” he says enthusiastically once again. “C’mon babe, it’s what the Internet is crying out for. Can you imagine it? We’ll be megastars. And you know what that will mean, right? It’ll mean that for one of us a dream can finally come true. It would mean that for one of us a lifelong ambition would finally be achieved. It would mean–”

“No matter how much I flash the girls I don’t think Hugh Heffner is ever going to invite you to the Playboy Mansion babes,” Lexy says with a sigh. “But it’s interesting that you keep talking about the towel, because actually what I have underneath is a treat for you...”

“Woo, screw you action figures,” Nate says happily. “God, I love when you want middle-of-the-day sex, it’s the best kind! I definitely should have shown you those videos before. I’ll turn the camera off.”

“Leave it on,” Lexy says sexily.

“Wait... are you serious right now?” Nate asks in disbelief before we see him struggling with the camera and the camera records a shot of him pinching his own arm. “Nope, this definitely isn’t a sexy dream, which actually makes sense since it’s just you and Scarlett Johansson isn’t here as well.”

Lexy shakes her head slowly. “I’ll forget you said that, but actually no I wasn’t thinking about middle-of-the-day sex, I actually had a whole other idea,” she says, whipping the towel off and revealing a skimpy pink leotard underneath. Not only is it skimpy and tight but it seems as though it’s designed not only to show off her natural assets but to accentuate them. She twirls around a little before laughing and encouraging Nate to turn the camera around. He does so to show his face, and his mouth is open a little and he looks like, were he a cartoon, his eyes would be bursting out of his head. “So, what do you think? You think I have a shot at reaching the finals, coach?”

“I think if you wear that more often you could reach the final of anything,” he says. She giggles and leans forward a little, giving her husband and the camera a better look at her cleavage, which while perhaps not as ample as some in most outfits is most definitely ample in this one. Nate lets out a happy sigh. “Aaaaaand right there we have gif of the week amongst Chapel Show fans...”

Lexy laughs again and makes a kissing motion toward the camera. “What? If I’m going to go for gif of the week, we might as well give them contenders,” she suggests before laughing a little. “Ok, so, you like?”

“I like,” he says with a nod. “This is like a fantasy come true for me right now...”

“I’m so glad you mentioned fantasies, actually, because that brings me on to what I left in the bathroom for you...” she says, her flirting with the camera turning in to an evil looking grin. “See, I might have picked up a little more than just a leotard when I went shopping earlier, and you should perhaps go into the bathroom and get changed...”

“Ooh, dress up,” Nate says excitedly before hesitating. “Wait, it’s not something like a coaches outfit, is it? Because that would be weird...”

“It’s not a coach’s outfit,” she says with an innocent smile. “Besides, I know you’re afraid of whistles, and seriously what good would an outfit for a coach be without a whistle?”

“I keep telling you it’s not that I’m afraid of whistles, it’s just that I find them unsettling and I had a bad experience once when I was younger and I don’t want to talk about it,” Nate says, shaking his head. “But ok, if it’s not a coach’s outfit then what is it?”

“Go see,” she says, encouraging him. As he walks past her she grabs the camera off him. He disappears in to the bathroom and Lexy turns the camera around on herself and grins at the camera. “Ah, this is going to be fun. Remember last time when he peed on the bed amongst... other things? I figured I’d get my own back some day, but I wasn’t quite sure how I’d do it. Now I’m pretty confident that this should do it...”

She sits down on the bed and begins filming the door. From inside we hear a groan followed by Nate muttering. “Oh you’re kidding me... you’re not serious about this, are you?”

“Oh yeah babes, you need to wear it, it’ll be SO hot,” Lexy tells him before turning the camera around and grinning at it again. “You know that it’s my biggest turn on, right?”

“This had better be some kinky sex,” Nate mutters. We hear him obviously getting changed in the bathroom and the video continues as Lexy continuing giggling to herself. After about a minute or two the door opens and Nate stands there in a Green Ranger outfit, minus the helmet which he’s carrying in his hands. Lexy begins giggling again before wolf-whistling. “This is your turn on? Seriously, this is just... I mean, ok, I get it, I’m a Power Ranger, but I’m pretty sure this suit must have been worn by a bunch of people before me and it’s itchy...”

“You need to put the helmet on,” she says. Nate lets out a sigh and puts the helmet on before Lexy wolf-whistles again. “Oh yeah, that’s it, that’s my Power Ranger right here! Now say ‘Dragonzord’ and use the morpher...”

“There are limits to what I’ll do, even for sex,” Nate tells her, shaking his head and the helmet moves and Lexy giggles happily. “There’s just one thing I’m confused about. There’s no fly in this stupid costume, it’s like a giant onesie. How are we meant to have sex?”

“Oh, yeah, we’re not,” Lexy tells him before laughing again. “I just wanted to see if you’d wear it. Truth is my favourite parts with Tommy were when he wasn’t in costume, and he’s kind of ruined that now with the whole tattooed MMA thing, but after you insulted Power Rangers I just wanted to see if you’d dress up for me.”

“So, wait, no middle-of-the-day-sex?” Nate asks. If it’s possible for a guy in a full Green Ranger outfit to look sad just by body language alone then that’s how Nate looks as he stands in the doorway.

“Nope,” she replies with a giggle. “I may have middle-of-the-day playing with myself though, and I’d invite you to watch but that helmet clips at the back and the guy in the store said that people usually struggle getting it off on their own.”

Nate tries to pull the helmet off again and finds it’s stuck. He pulls harder before moving around in a circle trying to get the clip at the back of the helmet to unlock as Lexy lays on the bed filming him and laughing happily to herself.

The Chapel Show

We cut back to the Chapel apartment and Lexy is grinning, proud of herself, while in the background Nate looks dejected and hurt. He folds his arms and huffs before walking off. She starts laughing and he pokes his head back out the bedroom door again. “Just for the record, she took the helmet off eventually when I’d ‘learned my lesson’. And I still hate Power Rangers!”

Lexy laughs happily to herself as Nate slams the bedroom door, continuing his mock huff, and Lexy grins at the camera and lets out a happy sigh. “Ok, so, I hope you got some kind of amusement out of that. I am seriously a HUGE Power Rangers fan though. When I was younger I used to think that wrestling was the closest you could get to being an actual Power Ranger, and for my first ever match – well, I say ‘match’, it was actually more just me wrestling my brother at a high school gym as the warm up to one of the shows that both my parents were competing on back home, and clearly he went easy on me but I gave him the best I could, but I was about twelve at the time – my mother made me a Pink Ranger outfit. It wasn’t quite the full Power Rangers thing, but it was definitely inspired by it, and just for one fleeting moment I got to live out a childhood fantasy, and it was pretty cool,” she says before laughing to herself. “Evidently though Nate wasn’t much of a Power Rangers fan, and told me that he hoped that I got attacked by Lord Zedd while he was struggling the helmet. I’d have shown you Lexy Chapelmore of the video, because it was REALLY funny watching him trying to get the helmet off on his own, but I figured at some point that just becomes exploitation or something. Plus Nate was pretty mad at the time. He’s obviously not still mad now, but he was pretty mad that I let him suffer through that for my own amusement when he swears he wasn’t in control of his actions when he covered me in... err... well, let’s not talk about the past.”

She lets out a sigh and rolls her eyes. “In fact that seems like a perfect moment to segue into talking about the future, the very immediate future in fact as this week it seems that I have something of a date with none other than Chuck Matthews. Now like I said before, I have a big amount of respect for Chuck. I’ve been watching him a while and what first attracted me to him in the first place was the nickname. Anyone who calls themselves ‘The Smartest Man in Wrestling’ is either incredibly smart or... well, pretty stupid and thinking they can get away with that as a nickname. Or they’re being incredibly ironic and trying to make a joke out of the fact that everyone else in wrestling are idiots, like a girl I’ve seen wrestling a few times who calls herself ‘the only straight woman in professional wrestling’, which clearly she knows isn’t true but I guess is a joke intended to point out just how many girls in pro-wrestling tend to have a habit of playing for both sides. I’m happy to confirm however that while I’ve never personally sat down with Chuck, it seems from the outside looking in that he definitely falls in to the first category,” she says with a smile. “Chuck and I actually have quite a lot in common. When we first started out in the wrestling business nobody thought that either one of us would succeed, and here we are having proven everyone wrong. I proved them wrong with a display of heart, of perseverance and by never knowing when I was beaten, while Chuck has found himself looking down on everyone else around him and amused by the fact that he can win without trying.”

“That was what you said, wasn’t it Chuck? You were feeling good a few weeks ago because you’d discovered the gift that everyone in this business wants, the ability to put in second-rate performances and yet still get the results you need. Well, I guess you weren’t feeling good, but perhaps you were feeling smug. Never in my life have I seen anything as bizarre as I saw when it came to the way you addressed Chris Strike, begging him to beat you, begging him to do what other people couldn’t, telling him that you needed him to beat you just so you could care? Is that the act of a genius Chuck, or is that the act of a madman? And hell, maybe you’re both, who am I to judge?” she asks before shrugging her shoulders. “One thing I do know though is that when you beg someone in this business to beat you, when you encourage them to bring everything they’ve got at you, when you tell them you don’t just want them to beat you but that you NEED them to beat you then this might seem wild, this might seem crazy, but normally people do exactly what you ask them to do, and that’s what Chris Strike did against you. You wanted him to beat you in order to relight the fire within you, and you asked and you received. And you know, for a man who was begging someone else to take him out you certainly did your best to win the match, it would seem. You actually even had Chris down on the mat. You had him down with the ability to finish him off, and then he delivered exactly what you pleaded with him to deliver. Chris Strike beat you in the middle of the ring, and there could be no excuses after that.”

She lets out a sigh and then tilts her head slightly. “So, after getting what you wanted, after finding the man who COULD beat you, finding the man you were crying out for, what happened, Chuck? What happened to the plan? What happened to the motivation? Did it not return? Is Chuck Matthews not the man on a mission once again? Do you not have that fire deep inside of you once more? Now I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure that WAS the plan right there, and so this week I thought, if you got what you were asking for, that I was going to see a renewed Chuck Matthews. I thought I was going to hear from the man who calls himself the smartest in wrestling. I thought I was going to get absolutely ripped apart, that I was going to get taken to school, that every aspect of my career and personality was going to get ripped apart in front of me. Hell, I actually thought you’d be able to tell me why I act like such a flirt even though I’m happily married, or why I sometimes have VERY inappropriate dreams about a certain wrestling legend who will not be named here... but you know who I mean,” she says before laughing a little. “I thought I was in for the analysis of a lifetime. I thought you’d have me questioning which way was up. I thought going against a man who claims to be smarter than EVERYONE else in this business was going to mean that I’d be struggling with rebuttals without even knowing what half the words you used meant and having to look them up in the dictionary as I go...”

We cut to a shot of Lexy looking at the television in disbelief. “He called me a what?!” she shouts before flicking through the book in front of her. “Dammit, does that begin with an N or a silent Q?”

We cut back to the normal shot of her. “And instead, what do I find? I find a man with a secret. A man of mystery! And I’d say a man of very few words, but that would be the understatement to end all understatements. Honestly though Chuck, if you wanted to psyche me out then congratulations, you certainly managed that. I watched what you had to say, I was readying myself, I had the dictionary in hand, I was preparing myself for a lesson even harsher than the ones I had in school – oh, just so you know Alexandra Chapel was not top of her class in school. I mean I had some subjects that I was better at than most, but when it came to math especially I just stared at the whiteboard wide-eyed as my teacher wrote numbers and symbols and graphs and did squiggly lines and then told me to figure out the value of one of the letters that I struggled to even find on the whiteboard and... Yeah, it was bad times. Lexy no good at math. And ugh, isn’t that annoying? That’s so typical girl as well. Doesn’t it make you wish you were Asian? No offence Asian people, you know I love you, but you’ve got to admit you guys ROCK when it comes to math. I mean, there are some stereotypes that are just true, right?” she asks before rolling her eyes. “Um, where was I? Right, I was talking about how I was ready for the lesson of a lifetime. And I was. I was actually prepared to learn something about myself. I thought for sure the lesson was forthcoming, and then all I get is Chuck Matthews grinning awkwardly and shutting the camera off after one word? Like, seriously? Am I only worth one word?”

We cut back to the same shot of Lexy before. She’s sitting on the couch all excited, dictionary in hand, and then she stares at the screen and begins to cry. “NATE, HE WAS MEAN TO ME,” she cries out before throwing the dictionary to the ground and curling up on the couch. “It’s not fair... he didn’t say anything...”

We cut back to her normal self again and she grins and shrugs her shoulders. “Ok, so it wasn’t quite like that, but it was something similar,” she says before smirking at the camera again. “I expected all of his best shots, and instead I got... nothing. Was it disrespect? Was it such disrespect for me that he just couldn’t be bothered to deal with me? Was it because he thought that I was too easy and he didn’t even need to say anything? I mean c’mon, what was going on there? Was he trying to get in my head and psyche me out? Because seriously Chuck, if you were trying to psyche me out then congratulations man, you achieved exactly that. You really got in my head with that. I mean, I know I’m still relatively new around here but I was pretty sure I’d seen every tactic there was to see from opponents, from those who look down their noses at me and completely disrespect me to those who shower me with so much praise that honestly it makes me feel nervous and it makes me feel like I have all the pressure on me to deliver considering they couldn’t stop praising me. I thought by now I’d seen every tactic there is to see, and I get ‘nah’ and I’m left literally scratching my head and wondering what the heck just happened. Chuck Matthews, you are either the LAZIEST man in wrestling or one of the best at head fucks there is because damn man, you got me. You got me good. And do you know what happens now? Now I have to come up with a strategy. Now I have to come up with a match winning strategy against a guy who’s not only smarter than me but who’s managed to get in my head and psyche me out as well? Maybe he IS the smartest man in wrestling...”

We cut back to another short clip from the couch where Lexy is laying, rocking back and forth, pretending to cry, while Nate is sitting next to her, telling her everything is going to be ok. “And then, he looked at the camera, and he said ‘nah’ and HE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT ME,” she says as she bursts out crying again. “Why is he so mean to me Nate? Why?”

We cut back to normal Lexy again as she smirks. “Ok, enough fun and games. You all know that I like to have a good time, right? And honestly, after everything I’ve been through, after defending my championship twice, after feeling the impending pressure of what is most likely to be another title defence in a few weeks, I think this week if ever I should be allowed to let my hair down and have some fun it should be now, you know? And Chuck, sweetheart, that’s what I’ve been doing with you. It’s not a showing of disrespect, I assure you of that. The truth is that I do respect you a great deal. I’ve watched you with that Hollywood Impact and I’ve watched you drive the air out of opponents and make them feel like you’ve broken them in half. I know how deadly that move can be when it’s hit on guys twice your size, so to think this week that you could be aiming to deliver it on someone half your size? Yeah, that’s a little intimidating,” she says, nodding her head. “But it also means that I know what I’ve got to look out for. It means that I know what I’m getting myself in to this week. And while my undefeated streak may be a thing of the past I do know that I still have a damn good record in this company, one that’s comparable to just about anyone else on the roster, and not to mention the fact that I’ve got the International Championship. I know that right there are good damn good reasons for you spearing me in half in Las Vegas and pinning my shoulders to the mat. And since you’re the smartest man around these parts, I know you know it too. I know you know what it means if you pin me, given what’s happened in the past.”

“You see Chuck, I could look at this match as meaningless, I could look at this match as a little bit of filler to keep us both going, I could look at this match as one that I don’t really NEED to win, because whatever happens I’m leaving Las Vegas with the International Championship, but I’m a professional and more importantly than that I like to put on a show, so this week I’m coming to that ring to win. I don’t doubt that you’ve got a plan though. You’re the smart one, and next to you and your impressive IQ I’m probably little more than a chimp who’s figured out how to smoke a cigarette, right? Yeah, I’m not smart. I’m not highly evolved. I’m not super intelligent. But what I am is super resilient, and I don’t need some grand motivation to keep going in this sport, I don’t need some divine intervention to motivate me, all I need is the roar of the crowd, the sound of my music and the ring announcer saying my name. Now you may not have what you think you need Chuck, you may not have the motivation that’s good enough for the super genius himself – oh, by the way, I tried to find a picture of Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius to go here but I was worried I might get sued – but if you’re still looking for someone to beat you, I’d be happy to give it a shot,” she says before smirking at the camera. “But, I mean, if you wanted me to do that you could have at least asked, you know? I mean, a girl does like to be asked, it just doesn’t seem right that I should have to do all the work...”

She pouts playfully. “Ok, in all serious, all joking aside, this week it’s Lexy Chapel, International Champion, against Wile E. Matthews, no, wait, Chuck E Coyote... no, that’s not it either, dammit – ok, NOW all joking aside, this week it’s Lexy Chapel against Chuck Matthews, it’s Lexy Chapel against a man who I do genuinely respect, a man who’s proven that the pen CAN be mightier than the sword, but this week the responsibility has fallen to me to prove that adage wrong and, well, I’m sorry Chucky but you’re up against the little sword that could. But I know it won’t be easy, I know you’ve got some tricks up your sleeve, I know that normally it’s you sitting analysing everything but this week I’m planning on it being me giving you the Critical Review, and then finishing the night off with a little Social Distortion,” she says before letting out a sigh and shaking her head. “You know what I need? A catchphrase! Seriously, someone come up with a catchphrase for me, and no Nate, I know you’re listening but showing them by boobs is not a catchphrase! Anyway, catchphrase or not, this has been our presentation for the week, and if you’ve enjoyed yourself, if you like our brand of comedy, or just if you really want to see more of me in the pink leotard, then you can always click to subscribe, and follow the both of us on Twitter – links in the description as always. Oh, and a positive rating makes us smile too, just so you know. Anyway, as always I’ve been Lexy Chapel and this has been another episode of The Chapel Show. Until next time, fuckers!”

She points at the camera and winks as the Chapel Show logo flashes up on the screen once again. After a few seconds the video fades out and then ends and the replay button flashes up on the screen.

The Chapel Show

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