THE CHAPEL SHOW
Episode: S02E08
Date: 20/06/2015

The video begins and we see the inside of the home shared by Nate Chapel, Lexy Chapel and Kat Kelly in Thousand Oaks. The footage we see however contains not the first or third members of the trio but just the regular host of the Chapel Show with a smirk on her face. One of the IWC Tag Team Championships can be seen resting on the bed not far from where she’s sitting. Lexy herself has her hair tied back and a confidence about her. She’s dressed in a shirt that reads ‘Always Be Yourself, Unless You Can Be Batman, Then Always Be Batman’. She looks in to the camera with another smile. “What’s up fuckers? I’m Lexy Chapel, this is the Chapel Show and I know it’s been a while but we’re back… again. I know, I know, I said that the last time we took a somewhat unexpected absence but I swear this time it wasn’t my fault! Well, it was, I mean I could have posted a few shows over the last few weeks, it wasn’t like I was kidnapped by terrorists waiting for Kiefer Sutherland to Jack Bauer his way in and save me… although that would be awesome,” she says, contemplating the idea for a second. “Seriously, if you could have anyone save you why wouldn’t you choose Jack Bauer? The guy is basically invincible. Although I’m pretty sure everyone he’s ever loved has died, so… probably one-night-stand material. But I digress!”

“Where was I?” she asks, a little flustered by whatever dirty thoughts she may have been having. “Oh, right, yeah, I could have done a few shows over the last few weeks but I’ll be honest, it’s been a little wild and crazy around here just lately. You guys know some of the reasons for that already, I’m sure. Partly it’s because just lately I’ve been really worn out. Seriously, it’s been exhausting kicking so many bitches in the face lately. Have you ever done it? It’s really tiring, but totally worth it for the satisfaction you get from it.  How can I put it in a way you’ll understand? You know when you do really well at work? Hmm, no, you probably don’t, most of you watching this probably don’t even have jobs, do you? Yeah, I know how it works guys, you sit around crying how immigrants like little ol’ me come in and take your jobs – THEY TUK ERR JERBS – but it’s not like you fat, lazy slobs actually get off your asses long enough to hold down a job in the first place. So how else can I describe it to you? Guys, you know how good it is when you make a girl moan in just the ri—no, sorry, forgot most of you have probably never actually accomplished that either. Damn. Ok, you know how when you get a big, greasy burger and you take the first bite and you get a little rush? It’s way better than that. You guys make me sick. SICK!”

She starts laughing to herself, clearly amusing herself. “Honestly though, it is painfully tiring being this good. And if there was one show that was more exhausting than any other it was the draft a few weeks ago. Do you guys remember the draft? Sure you do, it was the show where a certain someone did everything he could and made the absolute best call he could, to do what was best for his brand, and that was ensure that Wicked Intent stayed together and on his show. Can you even imagine how terrible things would have been if I’d been drafted to Uprising? I mean… c’mon! Sure, I guess there’s the argument that Kat on one show and me on the other would have meant that Wicked Intent would have double the fun and double the people receiving their signed, sealed invitations to the one and only Superkick Soiree, but just think of the disappointment in the eyes of all those fans who wouldn’t get to watch the two of us kicking ass every week. Just, think of the children,” she says obviously mockingly, continuing the mocking even more by acting as though she’s been thoughtful. She pretends to wipe a tear from her eye before beginning to giggle. “Yeah, right, as if the children would be sad for even a moment. It’s not the child demographic that Riot wanted when they knew they had to keep Wicked Intent together, it’s the horny male demographic. The ones who, right now, despite the fact I just got done calling them fat, lazy slobs, are still whacking it at their computer monitors right now. You’re welcome, guys.”

She leans forward a little, pushing her breasts closer together with her arms before making a kissing motion toward the camera. “You’re welcome gentlemen, keep the flagpoles raised,” she says before winking and then rolling her eyes. “But that was weeks ago, and I know what you guys really want me to talk about. You want me to talk about last week on Riot with that whole disgusting travesty and… yeah, I know, I’ll be honest with you guys I felt physically sick afterwards. I just felt like… oh man, Marina Valdivia winning a main event match! It was just… oh; you thought I meant that other thing? Yeah, like I give a fuck about that. No, that’s in the past and it doesn’t matter in the slightest, but the main event being… ugh, it makes you ill just thinking about it, doesn’t it? It was almost as bad as the way they determined the next contenders for Wicked Intent’s Tag Team Championships. That was a travesty as well. When I first saw it I thought it was some kind of twisted joke, but apparently no, it’s actually legit and the match is really happening this week. It makes you think, doesn’t it? It makes you wonder what kind of world we’re living in when matches like that determine contenders for the tag titles! God, after all the hard fought battles Kat and I had to… err… well, after that one hard fought battle Kat and I had to… um… well it was still lame anyway.”

She laughs again. “Seriously, I could sit here right now and I could give you all the standard spiel but meh, you’ve heard all that shit before and here at the Chapel Show we consider ourselves artists. Wicked Intent considers ourselves revolutionists. And quite honestly I’ll get to that whole situation in a few minutes and I’ll tell you just what I think about the number one contenders and the whole ‘tag team versus two individuals’ debate and blah, blah, blah, but first there’s something else that I need to talk to you guys about. It’s something else that’s been on my mind the last few weeks, and another of the reasons that there hasn’t been a Chapel Show. It’s about… relationships,” she says, beginning to look a little more serious. “Now don’t worry, my marriage is as strong as it’s ever been, Nate and me have the kind of sex life that most of you tell your idiot friends on Twitter that you have with your made up girlfriends, and that you actually have with your right hands and/or your male masturbation toys. It’s not Nate and I that I wanted to talk about, but just relationships in this business as a whole, because I have a friend and she’s kind of got a thing for a married man and the whole thing got me to thinking, can any relationships really last in the wrestling business? Is it this business that affects them, does this business just attract those kind of people?”

“No, I’m not talking about lesbians, although this business does seem to be the carpet munchers career of choice, but rather I’m talking about the unfaithful, those who just can’t hold a relationship together. How many of those types of people have we seen? And it all got me to thinking that with the unending amount of people ‘desperately in love’ right now, and all the marriages on the horizon – including the much tweeted about marriage of a certain former IWC World Champion… and it’s only much tweeted about because if he goes eight hours without reminding everyone he’s in love and getting married I think he suffers nose bleeds or something – are any of them going to last? Next year will we be seeing the divorce of Shaun Cruze? Will we be seeing the single-again David Helms on the prowl in the retirement home? Or can love really last in this business?” she asks, looking into the camera seemingly without joking this time, as though this is a serious thing that she’s been debating for a while. “What do you guys think? I can certainly understand why it happens. That’s not to say I condone it, but when you’re around that many hot, sweaty bodies, and you’re fighting together or against each other… it’s easy to see where the attraction comes into play, isn’t it? But as a married woman it’s still a troubling subject for me.”

“See, the thing about this is that I have something of a unique perspective when it comes to relationships. As you guys know, I’ve been in this business my entire life. I was born into this business. I’ve had cameras shoved in my face at every point of my life. I’ve been a reality TV star because of this business. And I’ve been at every stage of this business, training and fighting in front of twenty people, fighting out of high school gyms and universities, travelling for hours for just enough money to cover my travelling costs back home again, and walking into the biggest arenas and superkicking bitches in the face. I’ve done a lot, I’ve seen a lot, and I’ve experienced a lot in this business, but there’s sides to it that I’ve seen that I don’t really like thinking about,” she admits before pausing for a moment. She’s no longer playful and jokey, now she seems very serious. “As you guys know, my mum passed away last year. I like thinking of her as a saint in her life, that’s how I like to remember her, but the truth is she wasn’t. She had a weakness, just like my dad had a weakness. My parents had kids together, they were married a long time, but they weren’t always faithful. And I’ve always wondered if it was the business that did that to them or whether it was just them. I see it in others and I wonder the same thing. So this week the Chapel Show is about relationships…”

We cut to an older looking bit of video, but new enough that it’s obviously been filmed on digital, and in a lesser format than HD but at least high quality. In the video we see what we recognise as the Adams home in London, England, home of Lexy before she got married, and continuing home of her family even today. In front of the house we see two kids, one of whom is clearly a nine or ten year old Lexy and the other of whom we assume to be her older brother Harry, a few years older than her. “Welcome one and all,” Harry exclaims to the camera confidently. Today he wrestles in England as ‘The British Lion’, known more for his charisma than his wrestling ability, and we can see even as a young teenager he was still clearly very charismatic. “My name is Harry Adams, this is my sister Alex, and we know that you love reality TV, and we know you love dysfunctional families, but honestly if you want dysfunction you ain’t seen nothing until you’ve seen this. Today Alex and I want to present to you the most dysfunctional family in Britain…”

The video has low production values, obviously not produced professionally, and almost seeming like perhaps a school project or an audition tape of some kind. The editing however is reasonably impressive and we cut from the front of the house and the introduction by Harry to a shot of Damien Adams, better known throughout Britain and Europe as ‘Union Jack’. From the positioning of the camera it’s clear that he doesn’t know he’s being filmed as he’s working out half-heartedly. “First, let’s introduce you to the family,” we hear a younger Lexy telling the camera. “You know who this is, right? If you’ve picked up a newspaper in the last few months then you probably do, since my parents splitting up has been talked about more than David Beckham’s latest haircut, which is stupid by the way.”

“You guys think you know everything about our family because you’ve read it in the newspapers, right?” Harry asks from behind the camera as we continue to watch Damien from afar. “Some of you think that our dad dating Marianne and taking her to the premiere last month was ‘tasteless’, some think that it was good revenge considering our mum’s actions, but we want to show you how he really is.”

“Seriously, you guys think you know how he is because you see him in the newspapers, and you comment on it on Sky Sports, and you all talk about it, but the truth is he’s really not handling the split all that well at all,” Lexy continues, zooming in a little as the half-hearted workout pauses for a moment and Damien just sits there, looking like a broken man. “You want to know why we decided to stay with dad rather than go with mum? First off, it’s because Simon is a jerk. He may have people thinking he’s a gentleman but he’s not, he’s an arse. Secondly though it’s because I don’t think dad could cope right now if we weren’t here…”

“Yeah, what you’re seeing right now is a broken man,” Harry says. The video cuts away from the long-distance filming then and we see Damien in his wrestling gear training. The camera is at a somewhat awkward angle, like one of them is holding it a little secretively, as though they don’t want their father knowing that they’re filming this about him. “The thing about it is that there’s no time to stop and mourn. I think he really needs that though.”

“Dad always says there’s no time off in pro-wrestling,” Lexy adds. “Do you think they’re going to get divorced?”

“They didn’t last time,” Harry tells his little sister, a little encouragingly as she sounds almost depressed at the thought. “Ok, sure, it was dad who left last time for that bikini model, whatever her name was.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t remember her name Harry,” Lexy tells him disapprovingly. “Cindy, like the doll.  At least it wasn’t Barbie.”

“No, but there was a Barbie,” Harry informs her. There’s a little gasp from the young Lexy, as obviously she didn’t know that. “Yeah, you’re probably too young to remember her. I hated her. She said she was going to be our new mum. You liked her.”

“I did?” Lexy asks, clearly not remembering. “How long was she around for?”

“Like, a few months I think,” the young Harry informs her. “I don’t know, but mum came back pretty quick that time. I think dad told her how sorry he was.”

“Do you think she’s sorry this time?” Lexy asks, walking across the camera with a carton of drink in her hand that she quickly takes a sip via the straw. “Do you think Simon’s going to be our new dad?”

“I hope not,” Harry says before letting out a sigh.

The scene shifts again and we see Helen Brooke-Adams, the woman known throughout Europe as ‘Panther’, with a guy we don’t recognise. She seems to be laughing at one of his jokes. “Ugh, that wasn’t even funny mum,” Lexy mutters in disgust. “He’s not funny, right Harry?”

“No, he’s a jerk,” Harry confirms. “But there he is. There’s the guy who mum’s dating. What do you think they do together?”

“They kiss a lot,” Lexy says disapprovingly. “They’re always kissing. It’s gross. I don’t get why anyone would want to kiss a boy. Ergh!”

“What are you two doing?” we hear another voice ask. It sounds like a younger Damien Adams Jr., their older brother. “Is that dad’s camera? Why are you filming mum?”

“Shut up Damien, we’re making a documentary,” Harry tells his older brother. “We’re going to sell it. It’s a documentary on how dysfunctional our family is.”

“Yeah, and how much of a jerk Simon is,” Lexy chips in. In front of the camera, which is pointed down from whatever vantage point the two intrepid videographers have found to film their mother, we see Helen and Simon kiss. Lexy doesn’t sound happy about it. “Ew, they kissed again!”

“He’s not so bad,” Damien tells his two younger siblings. “He took me out for pizza. I think he’s trying, at least.”

“Trying to buy you with pizza, you traitor,” Harry tells his brother angrily. “Dad would buy you pizza too, you know.”

“Dad’s the one who started all of this,” Damien informs them both. The camera moves abruptly and we hear Harry almost struggling to hold on to it. “Stop it Harry. Mum would kill you if she found you filming her. You know what she’s like.”

“Give it back,” we hear Lexy saying, and then we see Lexy sitting there with her arms crossed as her older brother clearly holds the camera up. “This is our documentary Damien. You’re not allowed.”

The video ends there, as if this part wasn’t properly edited, and continues on again almost immediately in a different location. We see Damien and Helen standing outside the Adams house together, arguing, but we can’t hear what they’re saying as the window we’re seeing this from, which is clearly on the second floor based on the angle, is shut. “Here they are arguing again,” Harry says sadly. “They argue a lot now. They argue all the time, actually. They can’t agree on anything.”

“I think it’s really over this time,” Damien Jr. informs him before letting out a sigh. “This time is even worse than before Alex was born. They argued a lot then, too.”

“What did they argue about then?” Lexy asks softly.

“I don’t remember that,” Harry says, sounding confused like Lexy did a little earlier.

“You weren’t old enough,” Damien Jr. tells him. “Mum was the one who broke up then too. I think she was seeing someone else. It was pretty serious, I think. She was gone a long time. Then she came back and they made up. They were like this for a while before she left though, arguing all the time. Then when she came back it was good again.”

“Why do they keep getting back together?” the younger Lexy asks. The camera turns to film her as she’s sitting cross-legged playing with a doll. “My teacher says sometimes mummies and daddies don’t love each other anymore and they fight and they get divorced. And my friend Angie’s parents got divorced and now she has TWO Christmases! Do you think we’ll get two Christmases?”

“I dunno,” Damien tells her, sitting down beside her. He’s quite a lot older than her and he puts his arm around her comfortingly. “At least we’ll always be together though, no matter what happens, right?”

“Yeah but you already went with mum,” Lexy says sadly. “What if mum goes way away and we don’t see you anymore?”

“That won’t happen,” Damien promises her, looking at her with a confidence. “Trust me, mum won’t ever leave you guys.”

The video cuts again and when it comes back we see Damien Sr. and Helen arguing again. They look different this time however, Helen’s hair is much shorter and has been dyed and Damien looks to be showing his age a little more than in the last clip. We hear Lexy behind the camera talking as we can just about make out the sound of her parents arguing. “So I found this tape the other day and I thought it was funny considering it’s happening again now,” she says. She sounds a little older than before, but still only a teenager at most. “I remember sneaking around and filming them before. They didn’t end up getting divorced, although they came close. Does anyone else have parents like this? They seem to love each other one moment and hate each other the next? I swear you never know what’s going to happen. It makes you never want to get married, you know?”

“What was her name Damien?” we hear Helen shouting very clearly on the tape.

“You know someone should make a documentary about them,” Harry says from slightly across the room, a little way away from the camera based on the sound of his voice, as though he’s distracted by something else. “Can you even imagine it? Nobody would ever think it was real. They argue more than characters in Eastenders.”

“You watch Eastenders?” Lexy asks with a scoff. “God you’re so gay!”

“Shut up, it won basically all of the British Soap Awards,” Harry says in defence of the show.

“You watched the British Soap Awards too?” Lexy asks before giggling. “Wow, you really are gay, aren’t you?”

“Shut up,” her older brother shoots back again, seemingly the best defence he has against his younger sister.

“How dare you?” we hear again, interrupting the siblings in the upstairs room, as we hear Helen sounding more than angry again at her husband. Lexy and Harry both go quiet and we can hear the argument continuing. “You can’t say you forgave me and still hold it over me!”

“Yeah, well I’m not the one who started this, am I?” Damien replies angrily. “And honestly, fucking Victor of all people? Is it any wonder I can’t let it go?”

“So that’s it, huh? Every time you do something wrong you just go back to that?” Helen shouts angrily. “It’s always my fault because of Victor? Either you’ve forgiven me or you haven’t Damien, you can’t keep doing this.”

“I have,” Damien shouts before calming down a little and taking a breath. “I mean I’ve tried to. But sometimes I wonder, you know? I wonder if he’s even MY kid.”

“You know he is,” Helen says, moving closer to her husband. “You KNOW he is. We both know he is. He looks like you. He’s your son, and every time you think he’s not it’s just you being paranoid. I wish there was something more I could do. We even did the test, didn’t we? What more do you need?”

“Do you think this is what we’ll turn out like?” Harry asks his sister in a hushed voice. “Do you think that we’ll find someone and end up arguing with them all the time like mum and dad?”

“I hope not,” Lexy mutters softly. “I’m not ever getting married unless I’m really in love. I mean we’d have to be really crazy about each other.”

“Yeah, but how do you know?” Harry asks her before letting out a sigh. “I mean, don’t you think they were crazy about each other once? And then, you know, life happened and boom, they ended up like this. Maybe that’s all it’s ever like. Maybe nothing lasts forever. Maybe all relationships have to end because we’re just not meant to be with one person forever. Maybe it’s not natural.”

“Did you get that from Eastenders?” Lexy asks before scoffing a little. “No, I still think it is. I think when you find someone you love enough you can be with them forever. I think the problem is that people just don’t really know what love is. Like, I think mum and dad love each other most of the time, but then they meet someone else and they think that it’s more than it is, you know? But that won’t happen to me.”

“What makes you so sure?” he asks softly. “What makes you think you’re any different? Maybe it’s in your genes.”

Lexy hesitates for a long while before letting out a soft sigh. “I don’t believe it is,” she says nervously. “I mean maybe it is, but I hope it’s not. I think love is way too important to say it unless you really, really mean it. Promise me you won’t end up like them either, ok? Promise me that you won’t say it unless you mean it as well.”

We cut from there to the inside of a dorm room. It definitely seems like a typical dorm room of a typical male student as well. There are posters on the walls, some of which are of half-naked women, others of which are clearly of bands, and even one we get the briefest of glimpses of seems to be highly offensive. The camera doesn’t really focus on any of them however, more that it just spins around past the whole room until it stops and focuses up on a face. It takes a moment for the face to come into focus but when it does we find that it’s the face of a younger Nate Chapel. He’s not too much younger, but he looks very different. For a start he has long, straggly hair. He’s also got quite a lot of stubble, slightly more than just an unshaven look, as though he’s trying for the stubble look and not quite pulling it off. “Why did you bring a camera with you?” he asks as he looks into it, almost as though the whole thing amuses him. “I’d have thought a camera would be the last thing that you’d want around you. You know, considering your past experiences and all…”

“Well, I’m a film student, remember?” we hear a muffled voice saying. It’s initially too muffled to figure out exactly who it is but as Nate turns the camera away from himself and toward the bed we find a blonde girl lying there face down with only the lower half of her covered by the sheets. She turns her head to the side and rubs her eyes, not turning over and we see that it’s a nineteen-year-old Lexy, with her natural blonde hair. “I’m meant to have an assignment of capturing a ‘special moment’ on film, but there’s not a whole lot of ‘special’ going on right now.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I’m sure we could cook up something special right here,” Nate tells her playfully. Lexy looks over and quickly reaches down and pulls the sheet up over herself so that we don’t see anything but a little side boob of her lying chest down. “Oh sure, now you cover up, but you didn’t want to earlier…”

“Yeah, well, earlier you weren’t filming me, and with my own camera as well,” Lexy says before glaring at him a little. “Besides, I don’t think Jason would count a sex tape as a ‘special moment’. He’s got rules about nudity, let alone full on porn.”

“We could make it artistic,” Nate suggests before laughing to himself. “Yeah, we could tell a whole story with it. You know, make it like one of those dodgy movies that you said you caught your dad watching before. I love when they try and have a plot to them, it’s so funny to see it.”

“Sure, because you like when they just jump straight into the hardcore porn, right?” Lexy asks, rolling her eyes in disgust. “Ugh, men! You’re all the same. Remind me why I even agreed to stay over last night?”

“Hey, c’mon now, that’s not fair and you know it,” Nate says defensively. “Did I not do everything I promised last night? I made sure that we weren’t disturbed, which I’ll remind you was not an easy task. Rich wanted to know why I was so insistent that he spend the night with Cam, and I had to tell him it’s because they only just got back together again and I thought they needed proper time to bond. It’d be a lot easier if you’d just let me tell people that I’m seeing you. I mean c’mon, Rich won’t tell anyone…”

“Yeah, maybe, but let’s say he does accidentally, and then let’s say your dad finds out, or my dad finds out, and… can you even imagine?” Lexy asks, shaking her head adamantly. “No way. My dad freaked last time he found out about us. He made me swear I would never see you again. He’ll kill me if he finds out I broke my promise. He’d kill you if he found out we’re… you know.”

“Having sex?” Nate asks before laughing. “What, you don’t like saying that? You don’t like admitting that we’re doing the nasty?”

Lexy tries hard not to smile, but a little of it comes through. “Is that what you want to call it?” she asks before shaking her head. “Is that what you’d tell Rich? You’d tell him he couldn’t come back here last night because you had a girl over and you were ‘doing the nasty’ with her?”

“Hell no, if you’d let me tell Rich I’d tell her that he couldn’t come back here because I was banging you on every surface in the room, including his bed,” he says proudly. “God, if you’d let me I’d tell him so many stories…”

“Ugh, I’m sure you would as well, wouldn’t you?” she asks, rolling her eyes again.

“Hell yeah I would,” he says proudly. “What, like you wouldn’t tell your friends about me? What would you say we do? Because it’s not like they don’t know, you know? So do you use like euphemisms. Are you all like ‘he touches me in my secret garden, and then we travel off to the beautiful land of tenderness together as one’? I bet that’s how you girls talk.”

“Ok, so thanks for confirming you know nothing about women,” she says playfully. “Oh god, is that actually turning you on? You’ve totally got a semi right now.”

“What do you expect? You’re still naked in my bed,” he says happily.

“Honestly, I thought you’d still be tired after last night. I didn’t think you’d survive last night, let alone want more this morning,” she says, grinning playfully at him. “Oh, and just for the record, I did tell my friends about you. I didn’t tell them who you were, but they keep trying to set me up with this one guy who’s in our class so I had to tell them something.”

“Oh, right here, the plot thickens,” he says, holding the camera a little straighter and focusing it on Lexy now. “So, tell me Miss Adams, what did you tell your friends about the handsome hunky sex machine you’ve been sleeping with?”

“Honestly?” she asks, hesitating a little. “I told them that we have fun together, but that it wasn’t serious but that I wasn’t really looking for anything else. Tina thought I should go out with him anyway just to see if it could be serious with him, but… I didn’t want to.”

“You told them it wasn’t serious?” Nate asks, actually and surprisingly sounding a little hurt. “You used those exact words?”

Lexy squirms a little on the bed. “Um… yeah?” she says, obviously not sure whether or not she made a mistake in admitting that. “I mean, what else was I supposed to say? We haven’t really been going out that long. I mean, what with all the sneaking around and everything we don’t even get to see each other that much, right? I don’t even know if you’re seeing other girls or not.”

“Oh, yeah, I mean why wouldn’t I be?” Nate asks, clearly on the defensive. “I mean, you’re right, what with the sneaking around and everything… this is just a bit of fun, right? We’re just screwing around, that’s all.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt y—” she tries to tell him before he cuts her off.

“Hurt me? Pssh, you didn’t hurt me,” he says proudly. “Nah, you’re right. Actually there is this other girl that Cam knows. She’s pretty cute and everything. I was thinking about maybe going out with her.”

“Maybe you should,” Lexy tells him. There’s a long silence between the two of them then, with Nate lowering the camera down and neither of them saying anything. We hear some movement though from the bed and when the camera moves up again we see Lexy is wearing a shirt. She looks over at Nate and tilts her head slightly. “Are you still filming?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know how to turn it off,” Nate admits before letting out a sigh. “Why would you choose film anyway? You said you hated that reality show. You said it was the most embarrassing and worst thing that ever happened to you.”

“It was, but only because the cameras were in my face all the time,” Lexy says softly. “You know the only place I could get any peace was the bathroom? And it meant that I couldn’t even call you, let alone… it just sucked, ok? But I like filming stuff. I like filming my life. You know, when it’s under my control what people see. I don’t want them seeing all the crazy and the negative shit.”

“Like what?” Nate asks after a second of hesitation.

“Like my parents being crazy half the time,” she says before laughing. “You know people thought when they fought on the show that that was just for the cameras, but they didn’t grow up with them, you know? They used to fight all the time about stuff. And they cheated on each other a bunch of times as well. I’m not meant to tell people that, but they did, and sometimes they fight about that and… I don’t want people seeing that stuff. I want them seeing the good stuff. If I ever made a show of my own it would definitely focus on the funny stuff that happens, not the bad stuff.”

“So is that what you want to do?” Nate asks softly. “You want to make your own show or something?”

“Yeah, maybe,” she says nervously. “I don’t know. I never really thought about it. It’d be fun though. I don’t think many people would watch, but it’d be fun.”

“You kidding?” Nate asks immediately. “Everyone would watch you. God, if you put it on YouTube I bet you’d get people all over the world watching you. I mean I would…”

“You would?” Lexy asks nervously. “You’d watch my show, even if it was just me doing stuff?”

“Yeah, why do you think I used to watch the show every week? It was the only way I could see you,” Nate says before laughing. “Shit, that came out wrong…”

“You… wanted to see me?” Lexy asks, again her voice full of nerves. “Like, even when we ‘broke up’ and stuff, you still wanted to see me?”

“Yeah, but that was before I knew this wasn’t serious,” Nate says coldly. “If I’d known that then I wou—”

“Do you want it to be serious?” she asks, interrupting him before he can finish. “I mean, we never really talk about it. We never really talked about what it was, or, like, anything really. In fact do you know how much talking we did yesterday in total? When I came over we probably said like ten words before we were in bed.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because I haven’t got to see you in ages,” Nate tells her. “And yeah, I mean do you think I’d go to all the trouble I went to the last few weeks for anyone else? I’d… we shouldn’t talk about this.”

“Yeah, we should,” Lexy tells him eagerly. “I want to know what you really think.”

“Why’s it matter?” Nate asks dismissively.

“It matters,” Lexy says sternly. “It matters because… I know you grew up with all the crazy as well, but my life has always been really crazy. And my parents love each other and everything, but… well, it’s like I said, they cheated on each other, and… I promised myself that I wouldn’t end up like that, you know? I promised myself that I wouldn’t ever do anything with anyone unless it was real. And… what is this, really?”

“You want to label it?” Nate asks in disbelief. “What happened to your whole speech about hating labels? About how nothing needs labelling and labels only restrict things. First you’ve got a camera, now you want to label this…”

“Yeah, I do want to label it, ok? And I don’t hate labels, I hate when other people label things. Like they always label me, and they tell me what I can and can’t do because of who my parents are, like they know me at all, which they don’t, and that’s why I say fuck them and fuck their labels,” she says passionately. “But… I mean, do you think this is serious?”

He notably hesitates. “Yeah, I think it’s serious,” he says after a few seconds of silence. “I mean… I mean, if you don’t then that’s cool, but I—”

“I never said I didn’t,” Lexy says softly.

“You said you didn’t think it was serious,” he reminds her.

“I said I told my friends it wasn’t serious, I didn’t say that I thought it wasn’t serious, and if I did then I didn’t mean it,” she says, her voice full of nerves. “I mean, I’m not sure what it is but do you think I’d still be seeing you if I didn’t think it was… something, at least? My dad will actually properly kill me if he finds out about you. You know that, right? Or he’d kill you, which would be worse. Do you think I’d risk that if I didn’t think it was… something?”

“So you do think it’s serious?” Nate asks.

Lexy hesitates again. “Yeah, I mean, I think maybe it might sort of could be,” she says, clearly unable to actually come out and say it. “So if you were going to label it would you, um… would you want me to be your girlfriend?”

“I’d want you to be more than my girlfriend,” Nate admits.

Lexy seems more than a little surprised. “More?” she asks nervously. “Like, how much more is more?”

“I don’t know,” Nate admits nervously now. “But I think that I might love you.”

“Really?” Lexy asks in disbelief, but a happy disbelief. She’s about to say something else when she starts laughing a little. “Are you still filming? This is going to be the longest video of the floor and two people talking I’ve ever had. But… I mean, I’m not sure I can submit this as a special moment but…”

“I think it’s pretty special,” Nate says happily.

“Give me the camera,” Lexy instructs before taking it off him and filming him for a moment from the chest up, as he may or may not be wearing any pants. “So, tell the camera… are you my boyfriend?”

“Yeah, I am,” he says proudly.

We return to present day, and Lexy sitting on her bed. She’s still dressed the same, and the IWC Tag title has moved, but she now has a different look on her face, a more reflective one. “Ok, so, perhaps not the funniest pair of videos I’ve ever shown you guys, and I’m sorry about the second one basically being mostly the floor of Nate’s dorm room but, you know, it wasn’t supposed to be a moment that was on camera. But it was a moment. It was a very big moment in my life. And it was a huge moment in my relationship. And given that I grew up in a world of crazy when it comes to relationships, I think it was an important moment in being who I am today. Also, it proves Nate said he loved he first, which… you know, is pretty awesome,” she says, looking rather happy at the memory and not at all like her normal bitchy self. “And ok, I know that wasn’t technically a relationship in the wrestling business, because neither of us were actual wrestlers then even if we both had been wrestling and learning since we were both old enough to walk. But it was a relationship, and it’s something I take very seriously, because I meant what I told my brother all those years ago. I was never going to tell anyone I loved them unless I meant it. And when I finally said it to Nate, I meant it absolutely, and I still mean it today.”

“When I married him and I told him that I’d love him forever and until death does us part I meant that as well, and to me they were more than just words, because to me relationships, and marriage, and everything else is way more than just something to be taken lightly. It’s not something to throw around lightly. It’s not something to enter into lightly. And while I respect other people meeting someone new, and I totally get why relationships in this business flare up as hot as they do and then fizzle out as much as they do, that’s not to say that I don’t still think that some people would benefit from stopping and taking a step back. So, it’s like I asked before, of the two high profile engagements – although shit, it feels like every mother fucker is declaring their love or getting engaged at the moment – do you think either is going to last forever, or do you think it’s going to wind up in affairs and cheating and probably even divorce?” she asks slowly and purposefully. “And you say it’s none of my business, you say that it doesn’t matter at all, but I say you’re wrong. You see I know what you people think about me, and it’s an image that I encourage half the time. You think I’m an idiot. You think I’m a carefree flirt. You think I’m a bitch. Hell, you’re not wrong about the last one, when I don’t like people I can be a hell of a bitch… but you’re wrong about the rest.”

“I think your relationships, and your commitment, says a lot about who you are, and I think my relationships and my commitment shows you a lot about me. I’m married to my husband, a man I love, a man I’d do anything for, and while we may not always agree on every little thing we definitely love each other. We have done pretty much from the day we first met. You guys have actually seen a video of one of the first times we met, I think. Our whole fucking lives have been recorded, it feels like, either accidentally or on purpose, and that was one of those moments. But despite the attention, despite the crazy, we didn’t end up like Lindsey Lohan, Miley Cyrus or Britney Spears, child stars who went batshit crazy in later life, and we didn’t end up with a string of relationships. I think the way you handle your relationships says a lot about you too. What does mine say about me? It says I know what I want. It says I’m committed to that. It says that I have control over myself, something that I don’t think either of my parents did, and it says that when I get what I want I never let go of it,” she explains before grinning. “That’s true of my relationship with Kat as well. We may argue, we may disagree, and we may still be new at this but we’re a team, and that relationship means a lot to me as well. It makes us stronger. And we don’t need anyone to validate that but ourselves…”

“So, if you look at what relationships mean to me, and what they say about me, and what they say about Wicked Intent – partners in crime – then ask yourself this, what do relationships say about our opponents this week? Shit, where do I even begin to answer that?” she asks before laughing again. “Let’s start with Scott Cannon, shall we? What do relationships say about him? Well, I know he has a kid with a woman who he either never married or he divorced. So, I’m not sure what that says about his long-term commitment. I’m also pretty sure he spent some time in jail, or something. So maybe he’s had another relationship or two that he perhaps doesn’t want you guys to know about. Do you think he was the guy or the girl in that? I mean, I can definitely see an argument for him being the girl. I can imagine some roided up thug thinking he ‘sure do have a pretty mouth’. He’s an attractive guy, right? I mean, if you’re in to that sort of thing. And I hear the pretty ones walk real funny in prison. But whether Scott Cannon was anally violated or not, and how frequently and by how many guys, is purely speculation. I shouldn’t even be talking about it really, should I? But I encourage you guys to talk about it in the comments. And if you’re one of the guys who used to do the violating, please let me know. Even if I never face Scott again, just… please? That would be so awesome!”

She can’t stop herself from giggling a little before trying to get more serious again. “Ok, sorry, back to the subject at hand, and that’s what his relationships say about him. What of his relationship with his last tag team partner? Let’s not forget ladies and gentlemen that Scott Cannon is a former IWC Tag Team Champion, a feat that should not go unnoticed in this whole thing. He’s been where Wicked Intent is. He’s been to the top of the proverbial ladder. He knows a thing or two about it. But what of his relationship with that partner? Is there still a relationship with that partner? They weren’t a tag team before they won the titles, right? Hell, didn’t Scott originally try and team on the other side? And when they lost the titles were they still a team after the fact? What does all of that say about Scott Cannon?” he asks, pondering it for a moment. “It says Scott Cannon is a hell of a wrestler. It says Scott Cannon has an ability to work with the most makeshift of partners. That’s bad news considering the makeshift nature of his partnership this week. But it also says that Scott Cannon is not exactly what you’d call ‘trustworthy’. From what I hear there are members of his own family who don’t event trust the guy. So if you’re his partner this week, and you need him, do you believe in him? Even if you win, can you have a long-term partnership with a guy like Scott?”

“I’d like to suggest the answer to that is no, after all the last person who did have any kind of long-term association with Mr Cannon I believe he’s notoriously well known for drugging. Is that right? Does everyone remember that moment on IWC TV where the motherfucker straight up drugged people? I remember when I came here that was one of the first fucking things I mentioned, because it was also one of the first fucking things I said to Lucas about this place. ‘Oh, IWC, that’s the company where some sick pervert fuck straight up drugs chicks on TV’. Yep, that’s Scott Cannon ladies and gentlemen, and part of me wonders if he has to do that because, unless you’re a soulless, black-eyed Sinistry worshipper, whether you’d even go near him. So what does THAT say about Scott and his relationships? It says if I were Selena Frost I’d make damn sure not to drink anything that he gave me, that’s for sure,” she says before thinking about it for a moment. “Then again, if I were Scott Cannon and I was going to straight up drug another chick I doubt it’d be Selena Frost. I mean the phrase ‘dude you can do better’ comes to mind with her a lot of the time, but if you’re not even going to try to woo the girl and you’re just going to slip her something then yeah, dude, you can do a LOT better, right? I mean, I’ve seen the hotties around here.”

“Now I’m not going to pretend I know everything about Scott’s love life, or lack thereof, but I’ve heard the rumours. I’ve heard the stories and the whispers that, for example, Orlando Cruze isn’t his biggest fan, and I think we all know why. But other than having a thing for girls with a ring, what do his relationships really say about Scott? They say that he’s far from normal. They say that he’s a dangerous psycho, bordering on a rapist – actually, is there a border there? I mean, we’ve all seen the shows, and Kat and I will both be carrying rape alarms on Riot this week just in case – but they also say that he’ll do whatever it takes. Scott Cannon is a guy who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants, there’s nobody in the world who’ll doubt that, and that makes him very dangerous if what he wants is this right here,” she says before grabbing the IWC Tag title and putting it over her shoulder. “Is this what you want, Scotty? It’s what you fought for a shot at, right? I can’t imagine it’s Selena you wanted to be teaming with, especially considering her inability to play well with others, but is this what you want? You’re one of the top contenders, right? You’re the guy many think could be a future World Champion. So tell me, Scott, is this what you REALLY want?”

“If what you really want is a little south of my shoulder then sorry dude, you can’t have it, even if you do try and slip me a roofie cocktail. Hmm, can you still buy chastity belts in this day and age? I can’t help but feel investing in one of those bad boys might be helpful this week. Seriously, maybe it should be something they give all women when they sign up to IWC just to be safe?” she asks jokingly. “No, seriously, all rape jokes aside – that’s right, who’d have thought I’d be doing a promo containing rape jokes? Weird – what is it that you REALLY want Scott? I’ll tell you what I think you want. I think you want to be the star. I think you want to be the man. I think you want to prove yourself as an individual. And I don’t think you’re the kind of guy who wants some bitch like Selena Frost sharing your spotlight. Am I wrong? I think you want the shiny World title, and I think nothing would give you more pleasure than taking that from Serenity. So tell me, this week are you just doing lip-service to this title match? Does it mean anything to you? Because Scott, it means everything to me! You know my history. You know how long I’ve been around this business. You know how much I scraped and I scratched to even get a big company to LOOK at me. And now I’m one half of the Tag Team Champions of that big company.”

“You see, Scotty boy, that means a lot to me, and I won’t let someone like you take that from me without a hell of a fight. I know your history too, and more than just the naughty bits I’ve mentioned here. I know your family. How could I not? I know all about your family and their ambitions. I know about your brothers. I know how much pressure there is on you to do something meaningful, to accomplish something meaningful, every damn time you’re in that ring. But Scott, you should know that this title isn’t just something you can take and wear and dance around with to fee special, nor is it something you’re going to fill your time with. This title belongs to me. The Tag Team division as a whole is Wicked Intent territory, and if you’re walking into our territory to try and take what’s ours then you’re going to have to come in with everything you’ve got, not some half-assed attempt at feeling special. Can you do that Scott? And honestly, if you can, can you afford to?” she asks, looking quite serious. “Do you want us as enemies, Scott? Ask yourself that. Ask yourself if you want to have Wicked Intent hunting you down, because if what you REALLY want is to be at the top of this company… well, when you’re trying to balance yourself at the top it doesn’t take much to knock you off, and if you piss us off then when you’re just about to get your balance who knows when you might get superkicked all the way to the floor. Just a warning.”

“But as much as I don’t know what you want, Scotty, apparently we all know what Selena Frost wants, and it’s… not the IWC Tag Team Championships. She’s said so herself. She has no interest in them, right? Sure, right, because I believe that. I mean, I’d say I’ve ‘heard the rumours’ about her but shit, are they even rumours? I mean it’s pretty much a fact that this bitch latches on to any opportunity she can get, right? You want to know the thing that pisses me off the most about her, however? It’s not that she takes advantage of opportunities. I respect someone who takes advantage of opportunities. It’s that when she uses anyone and everyone around her to take advantage of those opportunities, and then being the self-absorbed whore she is puts all the praise on herself. She was the ‘Queen of Adrenaline’ once, right? Sure, why not, because you hold the belt a few weeks it obviously makes you a queen,” she says before rolling her eyes. “Seriously, don’t even get me started on girls who think they’re queens. Fucking retards. But you know me, I like my wrestling, I like my history, and I just so happen to know that to get that title she became the ‘queen’ of she didn’t earn it through months of competition, she used her own partner to get the shot, willing to put something of theirs on the line to get something that could just be hers. What a lovely girl!”

“Well, Dawn Lohan used to think she was a lovely girl, am I right? And you know where this is going, don’t you? Because now we’re back to the subject at hand, and what relationships say about you. So, tell me, what does the lesbian antics of a self-absorbed drama queen say about her? I said not to get me started on the number of lesbians in this business, but did it shock anyone when this particular one came out of the closet? Is she even out of the closet, though? Is she actually a full time carpet muncher, or like so many others does she munch on an as-and-when basis? I mean can she be enjoying a sausage breakfast before munching away come dinner? I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t care, because I see a supposed ‘lesbian’ in this business now and I can’t help but face palm. How do we know that she bats for the other team? Well that would be because of her not-so-private relationship with everyone’s favourite part-time muff-diver. Did they love each other? Do they hate each other now? I honestly wouldn’t blame poor ol’ Dawny if she did regret this particular scisssorer. God, can you imagine the story? You meet a girl. You become friends and partners. Then your partner uses you to get what she wants, claims queenhood because she’s just that damn awesome, and… dumps you? Who was the dumper and who was the dumpee? Wait, does anyone care?”

“I mean seriously, does anyone care? Quick show of hands? Nobody. Yeah, that’s what I thought. But what does this relationship say about our opponent this week? It says she uses people. That’s handy, she’s got a new partner to use up right now as well. And we know, much like Scotty boy, that Selena can be a threat. She too was in a first-time team when she became a tag team champion. That’s two first-timers now teaming up together. That spells threat, right?” she asks before shaking her head slowly. “No, I’m afraid not. Am I going to give you the spiel about a great team beating two great individuals? No. But am I going to tell you that Selena Frost, as notorious as she may be amongst the many, many, many companies she apparently works for – and hey, why not, right? I mean I just feel bad that there are so many people in the same position that Kat and me are right now, about to be subjected to some bullshit rant by a woman with her head up her own ass and still thinking she smells roses, who has absolutely no idea who we are, no idea where we came from, no idea what we can do, but will still be certain that she knows everything she needs to about us. And when I say rant I do mean RANT! I mean goddamn, the only thing this woman’s letters are good for is keeping in the bathroom in case you run out of toilet paper – there is one thing of which I’m pretty certain… and that’s that she’s good, but she’s nowhere near as good as she thinks she is.”

“While Scotty’s weakness is the fact that he has his eyes on another prize, and despite the fact that Selena has her eyes on another prize but we all know that hasn’t stopped her before from claiming something else and then declaring she’s the best to have ever held it, Selena’s problem is that she just thinks she’s that damn good. She thinks she’s better than us. She thinks she’s better than everyone around her. But she’s got her hand in too many pies right now, trying to be a movie star and work for so many different places, and she’s just not good enough to pull it off. She’s good, no denying that, but her problem is that she’ll come into that ring thinking she doesn’t even want what we’ve got but she’ll take it anyway, she’ll let herself believe there’s no possible way that Wicked Intent can stop her, and then she’ll end up looking up at the lights as our music plays and we walk away with our titles, and she’ll be sure that it was an injustice and she deserves better. She is, after all, deserving of everything she wants, right?” she asks before laughing. “Sure, because she’s a queen, she’s everything that we’re not, she’s the centre of the goddamn universe if you listen to her, and I quite like the queen thing actually. Because do you know what that means? That means this week she’s Marie Antoinette and Wicked Intent is the guillotine.”

She looks at the IWC Tag Team title on her shoulder and smiles. “You know what this belt right here means to me, don’t you? You know what it means to Wicked Intent. You know what we’ve done for it. You know what we’ll do to retain it. You know us well enough by now to know that we don’t let anything stand between us and what we want, and we have what we want. Nobody is taking it from us. That’s not a threat born of arrogance, that’s a promise born of knowledge and determination. You’ve seen what we can do. You’ve seen the chaos we’ve brought. Last time out we put on a hell of a performance but it just wasn’t our night. Shit happens. This time out we can fail. No more joking, no more amusement, at this point I only want you to know one thing. This week Wicked Intent fight for what is ours,” she says, taking the title off her shoulder and holding it up to the camera. “This right here is what is ours. We know your history. We know your ability. We know how you got here. And we know we’re sending you away empty handed. You see I think your relationships say a lot about the people you are, but if there’s one thing that our relationship says about Kat and me it’s that you should never take your eyes off us, because something wicked this way comes… Rate, comment, subscribe, and all that good stuff. I’ve been Lexy Chapel and this has been the Chapel Show. Until next time, fuckers!”

She continues to hold her title up before a guillotine slams shut over the screen causing almost a jump scare and the video stops. The last image that remains is the Chapel Show logo on the screen.